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The State of the Hip-Hop Union

President Rogers: Mr. Speaker, Vice-President Fourtou, members of the big five,

distinguished rappers, and fellow consumers: It gives me great pleasure to

present to you my State of the Hip-Hop Union address this evening. I am certain

that after hearing my plan for this nation, we will all come together in a show

of solidarity to protect our interests both here and abroad. Before I get to my

three point plan, however, I would like to announce my goal to “leave no child

behind” by encouraging rappers to act as responsible role models who will

denounce misogyny, violence and hedonism whenever appropriate. In the coming

years, several of our new artists will be politically conscious teachers that

will drop knowledge on the masses and live up to the creative potential they

wittily but misguidedly exhibit when rapping about drugs, guns, hoes, and money.

As stated by Minster Paul Scott of Durham, NC, the “dummifying of hip-hop” has

reached unprecedented levels and will only be countered when we as an industry

take chances on artists who are actually creative, articulate, and halfway

conscious of the world they live in. Before we can get to my plan, however, it

is essential that we get the economy going because it’s hard to take chances on

non-traditional rappers when record sales are down. Nah mean?

Economic Stimulus Package

Today is a very challenging time for the Hip-Hop Nation. Piracy is rampant,

record sales are down and 50/50 ventures are hard to come by. Likewise, record

labels are dissolving or moving out of the hip-hop market altogether and several

rappers have begun to pawn their Bentleys and Jacob watches to avoid bankruptcy.

To stimulate the economy, the Hip-Hop Nation needs the type of leadership that

will kick start our industry into the 21st century. That is why I am proposing

$69 billion tax cuts to each of the five major music distributors (Universal,

BGM, Sony, EMI, and Warner-Elektra), who sell and/or distribute nearly 90% of

all music bought in the United States.

More money for the distributors means more jobs for lawyers, lobbyists, and FBI

personnel to go after college students who download and distribute copyrighted

music from the Internet. More money in the hands of the big five also means more

$18 compact discs (CDs) on the shelves. Some ivy-league economists argue that

putting more CDs on the shelves at a time when consumers are broke is

ill-advised supply side (“trickle down”) economics. While I understand those

concerns, it is important for us to remember that it is the ingenuity of the Hip

Hop entrepreneur that has allowed our economy to grow over the past few years.

Think about it. Way back in 1996, rappers were using special effects and high

tech graphics in their videos. Nowadays, they use rented SUVs and $250 hoochies

as extras and are selling records nonetheless. If that’s not fiscal

responsibility, then I don’t know what is. Besides, what better way to stimulate

the economy than with sex and chromed out whips? With the right support from my

administration, I am sure that we can provide our corporations with enough

capital to invest in more hoochies and escalades for every video!

(Applause)

Hater Defense

In these trying times, it is essential that our rappers, video hoochies, and

label executives remain safe and secure from the evils of terror, also known as

player haterism. That’s why I am supporting the appropriation of $666 million

trillion to the Department of Hater Defense to pay for extra shiny gold fronts,

rims, and silver jewelry that will blind evildoers and thus deter their

criticism. Some of that money will also go toward bulletproof Hummers and fitted

caps to protect our artists from extremists who have been announcing their

assassination plots on mixtapes these past few months. Finally, by arming every

artist with 23rd century Motorola two-way pagers, we will be equipping them with

long-range hater defense capabilities. Some argue that increasing deficit

spending for the sake of expensive and unproven technology is irresponsible. To

the critics I ask, “Whose side are you on? Ours or the playa haters?”

(Applause)

Ja Rule-50 Cent Conflict

Not since the days of the Tupac-Biggie beef have we seen a grudge with the

potential to be so deadly as the Ja Rule-50 Cent grudge. A death to either,

particularly at a time where Bill O’Reilly appears on television five days per

week, would be drastic to the well-being of the art form which we have all grown

to profit from. As a result, we will arm 50 Cent with all of latest anti-playa

hata technology on the market. For those of you who question why we have taken

sides and armed 50, please keep in mind that 50 Cent is the only quadruple

platinum-selling Shady Records rapper in the region (of Queens, NY). As a

result, it is in our national interest to help 50 and the G-Unit shield

themselves from any terrorist attacks and brutally punish their opposition!

(Applause)

The commercial success of 50 Cent is God’s Plan and we all know that G Unit is

the Future, so why not Get Rich or Die Trying with our Shady allies? I have

faith in the Power of the Dollar, and with time, so will the rest of the globe.

We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. GGGGggggg Unit!!!

(Standing ovation)

[Editors note: Evan is still wondering how the popularity of Ja Rule has gone down at the same

time that the popularity of George W. Bush (aka “G Dub”) has gone up. To explain

to him why rappers are remarkably eloquent when dissing their peers but

relatively illiterate when criticizing their elected officials, send an email

to: editorial@allhiphop.com]

About the author: Evan Rogers is a sophomore political science major at North

Carolina State University in Raleigh, NC.

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