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Valentine’s Day Selections: Love Songs or Audio Porn?

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Everyone – guys and girls alike, from the age of 16 to 106 – has or has had their own version of a “get the draws mix.” The inception of this concept started as a mixtape upon which we taped our favorite “love songs” which we were sure would get us lucky. With the creation of compacts discs and mp3 players, our nights of love now had the added benefits of longer play lists and unlimited play.Unfortunately, it seems like there are people who cannot tell the difference between Red Lobster and fine dining. There are also people who just can’t sense the difference between “Love Songs” and “Audio Porn.” Their inability to do so is not only annoying the hell out of their partner, but making them look like a jackass in the process. Don’t worry, as always I’m here with a lesson to teach before Valentine’s Day. Break out your notepads as we begin class. “The Difference between Love Songs and Audio Porn 101”Song 1: “On the Hotline” by Pretty Ricky“Take them granny panties off. Put a thong on. I love it when I hear you moan. You got that sexy tone that makes the d**k long…I met you on MySpace, now I’m about to fly you out to my place in the morning.”Verdict: Audio PornOk….where do I begin? In a true love song there are usually no obvious references to one’s genitalia or undergarments. Let’s save that for rap songs! Furthermore, I’m not a hater, but I will say that hearing someone talk about flying someone to their home that they met on MySpace doesn’t exactly get me in the mood. As a matter of fact, I think I saw a porno with that exact story line!Song 2: “U Got It Bad” By Usher“When you say that you love them and you really know everything that used to matter, it don’t matter no more.”Verdict: Love SongMost times when you hear the phrase “you got it bad,” you are in the doctor’s office receiving results from an STD test. However, in this classic, Mr. Raymond demonstrates the smoothness and complex simplicity that a love song should always have. I’m sure many girls were made teenage mothers to this song.Song 3: “Weak” By SWV“I get so weak in the knees, I can hardly speak. I lose all control and something takes over me…That explains why your loving makes me weak.”Verdict: Love SongLet the truth be told, love songs are usually cheesy as f**k! What is more cheesy than saying you get weak in the knees when you see someone? However, saying it in a song is pure gold, making this song a must have on any Valentine’s Day mix.Song 4: “That’s What It’s Made For” By Usher“Figga’d I’d

hit it and quit it, just one night. Got so good to me doubled back

twice. I must have been out of my mind, knowing I don’t wanna, I’m

about to nut up…”Verdict: Audio PornI must admit, I am a

fan of this song. But in his efforts to tell a vivid story, it seems

Mr. Usher crosses the line. The beat says love song, but the words get

perhaps a little too real. Love songs should never mention hitting and

quitting! (and in case you were wondering there should be no mention of

nuts either) Teddy P would be upset!Song 5: “Anytime, Anyplace” By Janet Jackson“I don’t want to stop just because, people passing by are watching us. I don’t give a damn what they think. I want you now…You feel so good inside of my love.”Verdict: Audio PornIt would be a damn shame to discuss Audio Porn without discussing the Queen Bee of it. Janet, Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty. (So I’ll call her Ms. Jackson!) Is it just me or does this song remind you of those sleazy movies that would come on the Showtime network after 12:00 AM. and when you were little you would sneak down to the television to watch them, but you would get upset cause they didn’t really show any good stuff….wait TMI? Ok. In either case, having sex in front of strangers may be a good way to pass time at your niece’s baptism, but it has no place in a good love song. Sorry Ms. Jackson!Happy Valentine’s Day!

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