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The Wu-Tang Clan Reality Show: Missing Penises, Gangster Rap Cooking Shows + More

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Wu Tang Clan have been preparing to release their 20th anniversary album A Better Tomorrow for over a year. If you type in “Wu Tang Clan” in Google News, by the third page and the 2nd week you will news on penis dismemberment, back and forth arguments through the media, and even a missing body part or two. Expand that search to six months and you have enough backstabbing, accusatory comments and baby mother drama for two seasons of Love & Hip Hop.

So, let me introduce you to The Wu-Tang Clan Reality Show, entitled For A Better (or Worse) Tomorrow.

Episode 1: “The Zoo Is Still Dirty”

Icelene Jones, the widow of Ol’ Dirty Bastard and one of the controlling members of the late rapper’s estate has been protecting the usage of ODB’s image like a hawk guards its young. Four years after ODB’s former manager Jarred Weisfeld accused Jones of selling ODB’s final album A Son Unique for $10,000, she has subpoenaed Damon Dash’s former landlord as she believes Dash left the A Son Unique recordings at his former summer home in Carmel, Putnam County.

Plot: The Wu Tang Clan plan to commemorate their 20th anniversary with a string of events throughout the year, starting with a tribute documentary to Ol’ Dirty Bastard entitled Dirty Platinum directed by his cousin Raison Allah. Everything runs smooth prior to the event until the members of the Wu realize that 1. ODB’s wife never signed off on it and 2. the documentary maker didn’t tell them. The screening occurs with none of the Wu Tang Clan members being present. The packed theater is told the movie can not be shown. All hell breaks loose.

 The last shot of the episode would be ODB rolling in his grave:

Episode 2: “Only Built 4 One Chef”

The first rumblings of problems with the 20th anniversary album A Better Tomorrow came in February of 2013 when Raekwon informed MTV’s RapFix that he would love to do another Wu Tang Clan album but “you cannot put guys together if there is no harmony, and on top of it, we’re doing business.” Nine months later, RZA states that “Raekwon hasn’t shown up at all” to the recording sessions in a Grantland interview.

Plot: Every member of the Wu individually tries to convince Raekwon to record on the album. After a few failed attempts, RZA floats the idea around of doing A Better Tomorrow without Raekwon. Ghostface Killah uses one last trick to convince Raekwon to get back on board:

Episode 3: “Wu Doo”

RZA shocked the Hip Hop world when he announced that a Wu Tang Clan album, separate of the 20th anniversary A Better Tomorrow album will be sold to one buyer at a private auction. Soon after, the album, Once Upon A Time In Shaolin gets offers as high as $5 million. Longtime, die hard fans will only be able to listen to the double disc album at “listening events” for $30-$50 a ticket.

PLOT: Instead of simply starting a Kickstarter account, fans start randomly asking for the PayPal information for every member of the Wu Tang Clan to transfer money in hopes of getting the album. RZA tells fans that they are releasing the album this way, because music is being devalued and diminished to almost the point that it has to be given away for free”. With no other course of actions, fans then commence a Dragonball Z-esque search for the 31 songs from the album. 

SUB-PLOT: Raekwon and Ghostface see how much fans want Wu-Tang Clan material and attempt to turn their classic albums into television shows. First up. Bullettproof Wallets becomes a cooking show:

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Episode 4: “Lost & Found”

In the midst of Raekwon and RZA exchanging accusatory statements at one another in the media, one of their affiliates takes the headlines away from them. Andrew “Christ Bearer” Johnson of Wu Tang Clan-assoicated West Coast Killa Beez label and a group North Star, cut off his penis in an apparent suicide attempt. 

PLOT: While the Wu Tang Clan attempt to keep the fighting internal and the press off of Rakewon and RZA’s rift, they get  help from the most unlikeliest of sources. A former member of a group most of the members forgot on a Wu-Tang associated label most of the members never heard of, cuts his penis off and the Hip Hop world goes on pause. After a brief fight over passing blame on who brought Johnson into the Wu Tang Clan fold, the gang unifies around the news of one of its member’s fallen member as they realize that no matter who brought him in, it’s all still Wu.

Then again, the season could simply just end with Raekwon and RZA like this…

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