A blind man in a dark room with soap in his eyes can see where this album is probably going so let’s venture into what Ray J’s new album will be…hypothetically.

Intro

Regular Bush

With a chorus consisting of “you only got that reggie bush” being screamed repeatedly from an autotuned Ray J, the crooner flips the name of one of Kim Kardashian’s former flames’ , Reggie Bush, to be a double entendre (Not #TripleAuntAndre) for marijuana and Kim K’s “regular” sex game.

I Hit It First

What’s G.O.O.D.? (featuring Consequence)

After hearing Consequence actually write the lyric “light skin is the right skin” from a Love & Hip Hop episode he officially became a “He’ll Say Anything” all star. With Cudi and Common leaving G.O.O.D. Music in less than a year of each other and Pusha T revealing who gave Cons his front teeth, there’s enough ammunition for Consequence to make his own scorned revenge album.

In Or Out? (Featuring Future)

“ I got an indoor pool, an outdoor pool”-Ray J

Ray J uttered these lines in an altercation with Fabolous and etched himself in social media infamy. Ray J has no shame in flipping past failures into future “successes”. Imagine Future’s “I woke up in a new Bugatti” chorus from Ace Hood’s song “Bugatti”. Now, imagine that same chorus but with the words “I got an indoor pool/I got an outdoor pool/So girl…you in or out?” Now repeat. Add some Young Chop/Mike Will Made It/Lex Luger “trap rap” hi hats and snares and you have “In Or Out”.

Mr. TMZ (Skit)

SCENE: Ray J gets a phone call from Game.

Game: ”Yo Ray, another chick in the tabloids saying I’m her baby daddy. It’s so tough being us.”

Ray J: “I know. Paparazzi around me so much I adopted one of them. [Laughs] *Phone beeps* hold up Benzino calling me.

Game: “That’s the homie, put him on conference call.”

*Conference call begins*

Ray J: “Yo ‘Zino, Game on the line with us.”

Benzino: “What’s up Chuck? You getting massacred by these tabloids like me, cuz?”

Game: ”Yeah man it’s.. *phone beeps* hold up it’s Budden. I’m going to patch him through.”

*Joe enters*

Game: ”Joe, you on the line with Ray J and Benzino too.”

Joe: [in best Barry White impersonation voice]: *Long sigh* “Hi guys. How are..”

Ray J: “Yo, not to cut you off Joey B, but I just thought of something. If you think about it. The internet is world wide, right? We the most talked about dudes on these internet streets, right? That means we the most talked about men in the world, right? Sh*t all the traffic we bring to TMZ, we probably should own that motherfu*ker”

*Group laughter* *Group Silence* *Sound of a light bulb clicking on*

Ray J:  I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA!

*Fade into next song*

Mr. TMZ (Feat./ Game, Benzino & Joe Budden)

POSSE CUT ALERT! POSSE CUT ALERT!  Imagine A$AP Rocky “1 Train” but full of reality TV show references. A few “I’m loving Hip Hip (Love N Hip Hop)”, a few “Globetrotter, I’m a WorldStar” and a whole lot of dirty laundry being aired out by Hip Hop reality TV’s leading men…and Ray J.

I Been On (Feat./ Moesha)

No typo. Over Beyonce’s “I Been On”, Ray J’s older sister Brandy reprises her role as his cousin-turned-paternal-half-sister Moesha from the 90′s comedy show to remind him they were TV stars years before we kept up with any Kardashian. Also, while she’s here (and in an alter-ego she can defer blame to) Moesha will probably send a light shot at  Beyonce who essentially said “I run R&B, y’all just peasants” on “Bow Down/I Been On”.

Mistake

This is the ballad. Better description: This is the ballad where Ray J hints that he should have been the first to impregnate Kim and even alludes to her unborn child being a mistake. Before you scoff at the notion that Ray J would stoop so low as to call another man’s unborn child a mistake peep the evidence:

Evidence A: “I Hit It First”

Evidence B: Ray J once harmonized these lyrics on his song “Snakes In The Grass”:

“Make sure you don’t bleed and stuff/Make sure this aint your bloody week, you sl*t.

Blame Game(Remix)  (featuring Amber Rose and Kris Humphries)

There is no better way to end an album implicitly dedicated to Kim Kardashian than remixing the most scathingly detailed breakup letter from a rapper to a model ever. Simple. This could be the song that reveals it all. Ray J could sing rap narrate a story where he confirms the lingering rumor that Kim and her mother, Kris Jenner were behind the sextape release. Amber Rose, the unfortunate topic of the original “Blame Game” could finally go into detail about Kim’s home-wrecking ways like she hinted in numerous interviews earlier last year.

“They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other. She was sending pictures, and I was like, ‘Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person,” Rose told Star Magazine in Janruray of 2012.

Then to end the song and the album, Kris Humphries comes in and simply says: “I know who/ did you know what/with you know who/ Let’s just keep that between me and you. For now.”

Greetings William,

I am writing you a letter because I have sat back and observed long enough. I am coming to you as a ‘sister’ of the human family we all belong to. WE are connected! AND you my brother, I am tired of hearing negative things about you and now I am mad at how you are treating yourself. So please do not take this wrong or feel I am coming at you to scold or beat you up with my words. I am coming to you because I CARE and LOVE YOU!

What brought me to the point of writing this open letter was after reading ALLHIPHOP.com Hip-Hop Rumors on your new song, “U.O.E.N.O.” (you ain’t even know it) titled: YOWZA! New Rick Ross Lyric Will Upset Smart Women! So yeah I’m a little upset and rightfully so as the lyric you wrote about refers to ‘date rape’ and is exactly how I lost my virginity; someone STOLE it at the age of 14 before entering in high school. I take responsibility for being at a party I had no business being at but I want you to know how scary this now 41-year-old woman felt to wake up to blood on the sheets with an aching pain and empty feeling, that your heart is sunken where you feel you lost something. Well I did, I lost the right to choose whom I wanted to share that special moment with because I was knocked out and taken advantage of. See William, your lyric doesn’t educate it only further glamorize what fools like that man did to me 27 years ago. I happen to believe in karma and I know that man got his without me having to lift a finger.

William, I’m concerned about your health and your life messing with the wrong people and feel you are not listening to the GOD in you. I believe things that are happening to you now is because it’s GOD saying SLOW THE EFF down, get control of your life, you are not on the path destined. William, that means not at the expense of yourself or others. I understand this entertainment industry with expertise of over 20 years and can impart wisdom as I just shared my experience with date rape. Additionally, in my youth, I have been associated with gang members, dealt with being a borderline diabetic so weight/eating has always been an issue for me most of my life and basically led a self-destructed life. Why? because I really did not love myself. Additionally, I have 7 children and 3 grand babies (known to many as the Hip-Hop Mama) where I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer… So William, I’m not the type of mom, sister or friend that judges let alone condone certain things, I take accountability for my actions, I take responsibility for how I live and educate my children; making them aware of as much as I can in life – good and bad, never hiding truth and the ugliness this world has to offer. Right now though I am in the process of healing self and fully loving me. I believe this may be something missing in your life. I am sure you are trying to work on your health issues?!!? I am not sure what’s going on with all this gang/gun/court mess but I do not like it and I have been praying and meditating on you for a while.

“You must choose your battles wisely.” Words I have heard and keep hearing because I did not learn my lesson until now…

William, those lyrics on date rape to your actions all say to me you need help and healing yet we cannot take that first step for you. YOU MUST CHOSE A SIDE and not at the expense of your health, your life or to further perpetuate the hurt and pain of others.

William, we are all survivors, KINGS and QUEENS! I hope you make your way back to being able to show us that courage and strength. Being vulnerable is not a sign for weakness; it shows you are a man. I will continue to pray yet this is a call for you to take some other type of action before you will be another fallen Hip-Hop artist like so many others we lost. I believe and LOVE YOU WILLIAM. Please show me something different good!

RESPECTFULLY, your sister

dee dee “Hip-Hop Mama” cocheta

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Ash’Cash is a Business Consultant, Motivational Speaker, Financial Expert and the author of Mind Right, Money Right: 10 Laws of Financial Freedom. For more information, please visit his website, www.IamAshCash.com