Hello, planet Earth. Here we are for another round after the Rev. Jesse Jackson apologizes for what he called "crude and hurtful" remarks geared toward Barack Obama, new DNA tests clear all members of Jon Benet Ramsey’s family of the young beauty contestant’s 1996 murder, and rumors of Brett Favre coming out of retirement to play some more football.

Get well wishes go out to gospel singer Timothy Wright, who was critically injured after a car accident. Shout out to the soundings boards for handing out reality checks that never bounce.
 
And so it arrives...the Last Word for the week ending July 11, 2008.

1. Mariah Carey Gets Kidnapped On the Way to Happiness
 
In life, everyone has fantasies. No matter who you are, you can’t escape dreaming about a much better place to be relaxing in or someone you have more than a casual “hello” for. And if you’re Mariah Carey, you fantasize about being kidnapped out of an unhappy marriage to a powerful music executive.

That is normal, right Mimi?
 
“When I was in an unhappy place in my life, I always wanted to be kidnapped. I just wanted a way out, but didn't have one,” the diva told Elle magazine about her rocky marriage to Tommy Mottola.
 
And just when it looked like she would serve a life sentence in the ivory tower, along comes Nick Cannon to play the hero. “He sort of kidnapped me and took me on a helicopter ride,” said Carey, who revealed that the Mr. C popped the question for the second time after whisking her away. Apparently, the first time Nick did it was on Mariah’s roof in Manhattan a few nights before the helicopter ride, as he pulled out a 17-carat diamond ring inside a candy ring pop.

And the rest, as they say is history. Or may be history if the rumors are true about Mimi’s new union being on the rocks. Note to everyone wanting a better life: Get someone to forcibly put you in the trunk of their car (you know none of us who are on a budget can afford a helicopter) and take you away from that miserable boyfriend or girlfriend.

And if you really know what you’re doing, make sure there are a couple of witnesses (your best friends or close family members) around to make it look real. Make ‘em scream and cry if you have to. You even can have the kidnapper demand major money for your safe return.

Gotta keep it honest, because you’re going to need some funds to start things off right with your new spouse. So why not get your folks to invest in the marriage without spending a fortune on a ridiculous wedding? It can truly be a step in the right direction as you realize that, yes, fantasy can be reality if you make like Mariah and “just believe.”

2. Jessica Alba Utilizes the Timberlake Delivery Technique
 
Justin Timberlake may be a lot of things, but birth facilitator doesn’t immediately come to mind. But Jessica Alba has a different view on that as she credits her Love Guru co-star with getting things started towards bringing her newborn daughter into the world.
 
According to WENN, the actress was watching a private Hollywood screening of the new Mike Myers film just two days before she was admitted to the hospital to give birth to her daughter Honor Marie. Watching JT ham it up onscreen was enough induce delivery for Alba, who remembers feeling “something go.”
 
“I had been very careful of my movements and seating, but it was impossible to sit still when he (Timberlake) was on screen,” she said. “I wouldn't go as far as saying my water broke, but it did feel as if I was actually splitting my sides. I felt completely drained afterwards.”

It’s good to know that Justin has potential for another career when the albums stop selling and the fame dies out. With all these celebrities having babies, he may be able to make a few dollars.
 
3. Teairra Mari Remembers Negative Def Jam Graduation Present, Readies New Album
 
Graduation is supposed to be a time worth remembering, but Teairra Mari got something extra before walking the stage to get her high school diploma.
 
Media sources report that the former princess of Jay-Z’s Roc-a-Fella Records became a commoner when she received her pink slip from the label after starting work on her second album.
 
“I got a call before my high-school graduation,” Mari told Billboard, adding that she kept the news to herself for about six months before exiling herself from the music scene. “I didn't even tell my mom. Then news about it started coming out on the radio. I stopped doing music for a year.”

Despite being booted out of the Carter administration, Mari is gearing up for a return as she works on her as-yet-untitled Interscope Records debut. And if that wasn’t enough, the singer/songwriter is also making strides beyond the mic as the spokesmodel for Love’s jeans line Jean Addicts. All that in addition to an appearance in the upcoming film Doorman and it’s safe to say that things are looking up for Mari, who says she’s “at a good point now, with more creative control to be Teairra Mari.”
 
As it stands now, Teairra Mari’s new album is scheduled for a late 2008/early 2009 release.

4. Adam Levine Comes Clean About R&B-infused Yoga Obsession
 
Becoming a man to watch in music is what Maroon 5's Adam Levine has developed into after playing sideman to Kanye West, finding success with his band and sharing mic time with Rihanna.
 
So with madness being a star brings, how does the singer unwind?
 
“Yoga is by far the most convenient way to exercise while I'm on the road, You don't need anything but a few feet of space and a mat,” Levine told Women’s Health magazine, adding that he was skeptical of the practice in the beginning but warmed up to it as it became more “satisfying physically” than lifting weights.
 
Among the tunes the singer gets his yoga on to are “A Long Walk” by Jill Scott, “What's Goin On” by Marvin Gaye, “Kick Push” by Lupe Fiasco, “Brown Sugar” by D'Angelo, “You Know That I'm No Good” by Amy Winehouse, “Turn Me On” by Norah Jones and “Whenever, Wherever, Whatever” by Maxwell.

And while the practice helps him physically, Adam kept it real as he joked that the only reason he practices yoga was “because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.”
 
There it is, fellas. In case the bars and the club and the workplace get old in meeting women, you can always hit the local yoga class and pattern your game like a celebrity. After all, positions, like possibilities, are endless.
 
5.  Beyonce Loses Best Breast Title to Jessica Simpson
 
Beyonce's booty may catch the attention of guys around the world, but it's the singer's breasts that don't measure up, according to an In Touch magazine poll of the best breasts in Hollywood.
 
B ranked number 10 on the list while pop diva turned country singer Jessica Simpson secured the top spot. The rest of the top five consisted of Tyra Banks (2), Scarlett Johansson (3), Carmen Electra (4) and WTF?! Lindsay Lohan (5).

Damn B. Can we get a recount? There must be some kind of f**kery going on with Lohan getting upper hand in this one. I can’t call it. Maybe somebody can put together a list that really reflects who is who with the best assets in Hollyweird. Any takers?
 
In Other Words...
 
* Raphael Saadiq has recruited Stevie Wonder and Joss Stone for his forthcoming sample-free album, The Way I See It. Wonder plays harmonica on the first single, “Never Give You Up,” while Stone appears on the track “Big Easy” and “Just One Kiss.” The new album hits stores on Sept. 16.

* Being kicked out of New Edition was a good thing for Bobby Brown, who considered the action as a turning point at that state in his career as he told Jet magazine that his ouster made him realize that “Yo, if I don't succeed, I ain't going to be [nothing] back home. But these Brothers did the best thing for me that could ever possibly be done. Teach me a lesson.”  

Lesson One: If you want to keep your career going beyond the ‘80s and early ‘90s, lay off the drugs and hire that vocal coach back to get the voice back in top form. You don’t want to be [nothing] back home, do you?

* Sisqo can thank somebody in Baltimore for letting the public know about his arrest for DUI. The only thing is the arrest happened in December. Eight months ago. How could this have gotten past the media and the bloggers for so long? Oh yea, we haven’t heard anything out of Sisqo (aside from the recent Dru Hill sightings and CMT reality show with Bobby Brown) since that thong song he put centuries ago.
 
But if you’re interested, Dru Hill is making a return with InDRUpendence Day, their first album since 2002’s Dru World Order. Look for that to hit stores sometime this year.