The views expressed in this column are not the views shared by AllHipHop.com. However, we don't plan on watching Player's Club for a very long time.

It’s me b**ches! I have finally returned to you like those cold sores that periodically return to many of your privates!

So I was in line awaiting my turn after responding to Miley Cyrus’ ad in the newspaper about setting up a gangbang. I was very excited to finally meet her! But after waiting in line for several hours I realized that I would be the last one that would go. I was number 300. (she was trying to break Lindsay Lohan’s record of 295 when she was her age).

Since I had all this time to kill, I decided to go to church. As I was walking towards the church, my mind began to wander and out of all the useless people for my mind to focus on, for some reason I thought of Lisa Raye. After hearing about her recent troubles in Turks And Caicos this past week, I couldn’t help but think, really Lisa Raye?

How is it that in a family that includes Da Brat, you Lisa Raye, still somehow managed to be the loser! I guess it all started with a little (by little I mean low budget and little talent) movie called Player’s Club. I know every actress has to start somewhere, but damnit Lisa, that just might have been the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. And this is coming from someone who has had to sit through Kelly Rowland movies!

Your debut in the low budget version of Showgirls looked like a long version of a BET Uncut video. As a matter of fact I take that back, at least in the BET uncut videos they know better than to let the stripper tramps speak. I know I know you are probably saying you have been in many other movies than that. Well unfortunately, I’ve been pretty busy and I haven’t had the chance to check out the 99 cent DVD’s at Target.



Actually, since your marriage is over and you virtually have no career (you have to have talent to have a “career”) you might actually be spending a lot of time at Target in the coming months. As an employee! When you do, get me some of your movies for low low.

As if Player’s Club was not bad enough, someone decided to give you a television show. Your short-lived sitcom All of Us was actually not that bad, except for one thing. You were in it. Although you were in it with actors who are light years ahead of where you are, your performance was like a fart in a hot, locked car in the summer time. It nearly killed us. The best part about that show was that something actually came on after it. This simple fact renewed my faith in God. So in a weird way, thank you for bringing me back to Jesus!

I will admit you are very nice-looking. I’d hit it! But unfortunately no one can really give you props for being a hot chick in your forties because we already have Halle Berry’s pre-menopausal ass still looking like she could go door-to-door selling Girl Scout cookies. So once again you lose. And I must admit when you decided to get married to the Premier of Turks and Caicos, the truth is I was happy for you because I thought perhaps now you could do something right – sit back and be a trophy wife.

Unfortunately, this did not work out too well for you either. It seems allegedly your soon to be ex-hubby may have forced some OTHER chick to play with HIS “Playa’s Club.” So again you lose! Then reports recently surfaced about you driving your car through a barricade and attacking your soon to be ex-husband at your home in the country which he basically rules! On top of that, it seems after the fight you were both treated for bite marks! WTF! Have you been snorting your makeup or something? This ain’t Chicago! Calm your ass down before they force you to do Player’s Club II! Actually that would more be punishing us than you.

And it seems you still plan on staying in Turks and Caicos saying crazy acid induced s**t like “Turks and Caicos is my home” And “I have no plans of leaving.” See this is what happens when stupid people happen to good countries. Last I checked Li Li, Turks and Caicos is your hot mess husband’s home and not yours!

They accepted you because you were married to him! So now that your marriage is in the s***ter, it’s time to pack up and take your bad acting back to the CHI! Hey on the bright side, I hear R. Kelly’s single! On second thought never mind, you are about 35 years too old for him. I hear he likes newborns. So I guess you LOSE! Again!

How is it that your loser sister is probably out partying it up with Psycho Mimi  and her personal p**sy licker (Nick Cannon) on some yacht while you are in Turks and Caicos fist fighting over jerked chicken wings?! Perhaps this is another mystery of the world I will never know.