By Deshair Foskey
To this day, I am disappointed
in the fact that the 2008 NBA season is over. Congratulations to the newly
crowned champions, the Boston Celtics. However, there is one thing that I’m
glad I don’t have to hear for a while.
When a defensive team wins the
championship, you know what’s coming. A sports analyst will stand in front of
his/her teleprompter and drop this tired gem: “Defense wins championships!”
Really… stopping the other team
from scoring while scoring yourself can help you win a championship… super
genius. Every time I’ve heard “defense wins championships,” my face cringed, like
Tiger Woods after each swing during his U.S. Open victory. Sports clichés are
unrelenting - and they’re as empty as hearing “I love you” after the first date.
It’s not enough that you must
give 100% in what you do. There’s a whole other 10% out there to latch on it -
110% to be more specific. Here is a list of cliché’s that are sure to run you
up the wall:
- We’re taking it one game at a
time.
- You can’t stop him, you can only
hope to contain him. (Kobe
was contained)
- Records are made to be broken.
- There’s no “I” in team.
- We played within our game.
- He has tremendous upside.
- They control their own destiny.
- And now, the real season begins. (Signaling the
beginning of the playoffs)
Today, we are celebrating
National Sports Cliché Week, and what would be a better way to celebrate than
to add a twist of urban culture to the fold? Just for fun, of course!
There’s a commercial for GEICO
that features celebrities “translating” the plight of normal people that
recently got into a car accident. So I got to thinking. What would happen if your
favorite rapper had the opportunity to translate a cliché-laced rant by a
professional commentator? Let’s find out.
NFL broadcaster John Madden, of Madden Football fame,
is commentating the second quarter of Sunday Night Football. When out of
nowhere, John makes a reference to his ‘Man Crush’ - retired NFL quarterback,
Brett Favre. And the crazy part would be that Brett’s not even playing in the
game. “Tony Romo and Peyton Manning are leaving it all on the field tonight!”
says an excited Madden. “People often compare Romo to Favre. But I know Brett
Favre. And Tony, you’re no Brett Favre.”
In the same scenario, Kanye West translates for John Madden:
“Tony Romo is nice, but he ain’t sh*t. Brett Favre is sorta’ cool, but he’s no
Brad Pitt. I need a Black Angelina (Jolie), Black Jessica Simpson - they weigh about a buck, so you can call’em
slim pickens…”
Chris Berman and Roger Maltby called the early rounds of
the 2008 U.S. Open, and obviously, they were complimenting the high skill level
of Tiger Woods.
Roger Maltby: He’s have never
finished out of the Top 10 here. Pretty remarkable at Torrey Pines.
Chris Berman: He knows where the
bodies are buried, and he knows where the putts are buried.
Roger Maltby: He buried that one.
Nas translates for
them both: “Tiger is Ether at Torrey, my n****s. He took each putt and bodied
them. And I don’t care what he says. He can axe that Cau-bla-asian sh*t. Minus
the millions, ‘the slave and the master’ effect still… [Due to technical difficulties, the U.S. Open will be back after we
relieve ourselves of a certain announcer]
NBA analyst Bill Walton will go down in infamy for over exaggerating every
moment he covers. An arena employee walks buy with popcorn in tow and Bill
Walton blurts out, “I’ve never smelled a better batch of popcorn in the history
of the NBA! This young man is walking the stairway to heaven, delivering
delectable buttery treats to the world.”
In the same scenario, Young Jeezy translates for Bill Walton:
“Take a whiff of dat popcorn homey! Pimpin’ pushin’ dat white like a certified
pro. He puttin’ on for his city. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!”
Harry Kalas,
legendary announcer for the Philadelphia Phillies, is calling a game between
the Phillies and the Red Sox. David “Big Poppi” Ortiz is in the batters box
with his team down by one in the top of the 9th. “And here’s the
pitch,” says Harry in his signature tone. “The swing. It’s a high drive to left
field… its way back… and it’s OUTTA HERE! David Ortiz has just tied the game
with his 24th homerun of the season.”
T.I. translates
for Harry Kalas: “Here’s-da-pitch! Shawty connects with it. The ball’s touching
the left field sky… and it ain’t never coming back! David ‘Big thangs poppin’ Ortiz
just tied this game with a homerun that sits him on 24’s for the season. What
you know about dat? I know all about dat, shawty.”
Even a classic announcer like Marv Albert could use a shot of Lawry’s
in his repertoire. On a three-point play, which wasn’t in high abundance this
past season for the New York Knicks, Marv screamed his patented, “Yes, and it
counts! Lebron James just tore the house down and will go to the line to
complete the three-point play.”
Jay-Z translates
for Marv Albert: “And one. My ace that I write songs about is going to the line.
After the game, we’re headed over to 40/40 for business. The takeover, this
game’s over. You ready, Bee?”
None of the recording artists were harmed or interviewed
for this article.