Shout out to Tom Breihan at the Village Voice for always doing a running diary of award shows in his Status Ain’t Hood blog…which I read daily.8:00PM The Grammy Awards – this is all so exciting, considering I didn’t even watch them last year! Alicia Keys opens theres the right way to go about it. Frank Sinatra too leave it to Alicia to resurrect Sinatra. This isn’t AS good as Natalie Cole and her dad, but waaay better than Paula Abdul and Ray Charles in the Diet Pepsi commercials. Oh no Alicia almost tripped! She’s ok though. 8:05PM Oh nice Carrie Underwood got abducted by the Hip-Hop fashionistas. Even country isn’t sacred. This looks like an old school Janet Jackson video. I feel like I’m being robbed a country performance, even though I don’t even like country music. Where’s the yee-haw? Country music is definitely different these days. Even Bobby Brown agrees. 8:10PM Oh my….PRINCE! He doesn’t even care people are cheering. He’s like, “let’s get this moving.” If Alicia Keys wins this Female R&B Artist Award. Then she’s winning the rest. Yep Leeshy won. Thank God. Awww Jill Scott is happy for Alicia…I think? No hate. She thanks Krucial like we don’t know they’re together. “Oh I’d like to thank Kerry and a bunch of other people.” Okay, Alicia. Your secret’s safe with us. She’s still the greatest. I sense a sweep.8:17PM Jimmy Jam is in the building with that same hat on all the time. Whoa wait. The Time! I heard about this, where is Rihanna? I heard she’s coming too. I’m not like beckoning her, but I mean… Can’t hate on the Time. At all. Whoa Morris Day – shiny suit man! He’s so pimpin. Uh oh, here she comes with her umbrella. I like her outfit. I wonder if Prince wants his haircut back? This “Material Girl” version of “Umbrella” makes me want to puke. Unfortunately I really like this “Please Don’t Stop the Music,” but that’s because I’m from New Jersey and it sounds like a song they would play in the NJ clubs I never went to. Rihanna is such a fem-bot. Where’s Austin Powers? Nice to see Rihanna actually singing live. Go Ri Ri! I wonder if Morris Day still has a bearskin rug. Oh wee oh wee oh! Fantasia could care less about this performance. Chris Brown is happy though.8:23PM Tom Hanks always looks confused. He’s honoring The Band. Not to be confused with Da Band. I’m paying more attention to the fact that Amy Winehouse and Ne-Yo got Grammy Awards (Lily Allen didn’t – robbery!) than this The Band tribute. Oh good, Beatles talk! Please don’t tell me Cirque de Soleil is honoring the Beatles…what? Ok I am perhaps one of the greatest Beatles advocates, but this crack infested tribute is making me want to videotape myself holding a pipe like Amy. Why is this woman in red being hung and swung? I don’t like this at all. I’m never going to Vegas to see this. I’m never going anywhere to see this. I think the Cirque posse misinterpreted the point of the Beatles’ lyrics. Call me crazy. The Grammy Awards turned 50 and this is their birthday present? Refund! Hope they have a gift receipt.8:30PM Who is this little person singing “Let it Be”? Oh he was in the movie for Across the Universe. Good voice…I thought it was John Legend singing at first. I love how a Beatles tribute is choir-iffic. This is all too dramatic for my life. This little guy is so adorable and he sounds like John Legend. The woman next to him looks like an aged Ledisi and is shouting like Fantasia at The Color Purple’s opening night. I’m done. We already need a half time show. 8:34PM Cyndi Lauper and Hannah Montana…there’s a combo from hell. I hope Feist wins this Best New Artist. Jay-Z co-signed her too at the red carpet. Uh Amy is nominated too. Amy wins! Good weekend for her. She has a new tooth and some Grammy Awards. If her performance stinks I’m never watching this again.8:35PM I’m marrying Jason Bateman. He just announced the Foo Fighters. It’s nice to know people still care about them. I liked their Mentos commercial video. Where are the damn commercials? This is lasting way too long. Ann Marie Calhoun on the violin, y’all! I hope she beefs with Miri Ben Ari. Wait so now the violinists on stage are beefing? What is this? This is so boring. I’m more entertained by my comments than I am by my husband Jason Bateman.8:45PM I see lasers. I figured it was Kanye. I love the glasses. This performance of “Stronger” is already becoming my favorite moment this evening. If Daft Punk actually showed up it would be the icing on the cake, but Ye is doing fine, fine, fine. Sad that he was supposed to have a performance with Amy. Ah well, she has a new tooth so we have bigger things to celebrate. Yay Daft Punk! There we go! Okay yeah this is fresh. Glow in the dark Kanye (word to Jamile for the nickname) is really making this worth my while. Thank God. Kanye is singing. He’s so cute. This is making me so sad. RIP Donda West. A tear has reached my eye. What is shaved into his head? MA? Needless to say, it will be etched into the skulls of every kid by tomorrow morning. 8:52PM Oh GOD. Fergie and John Legend. I mean the fake tenderness of this Stacey Ferguson / John Stephens combo is completely devaluing Kanye’s moment. If Fergie tried out for American Idol, Simon Cowell would NOT say “Welcome to Hollywood.” Illseed just told me Fergie sounded good. Illseed and I are fighting. lol! Ok Best Soundtrack. Why is Dreamgirls still being nominated. Ringo Starr is the man. I never realized how tiny he is, since the Beatles appear larger than life. Where’s Paul? 9:03PM Cher is in the building. T-Pain should holler at her so they can be vocoder buddies. Beyonce!!!! I’ve been waiting for B. This is great. OMG Tina Turner! If I look like Tina at her age, I’d be the happiest. She’s tap dancing on Ike’s grave this evening. Oops, was that too much? She looks sooo amped. Okay way to go Tina, but where’s your daughter Beyonce? Oh good, the return of B in a new outfit. B and T? A duet? Wow. Mary is proud. Proud, proud Mary. Ok I’m pretty much done rollin’ on a river now. Great performance though, but what’s next?9:13PM Nelly dye your hair! So the first Grammy host is up there with her. That’s nice, but I’m bored. Ok Burt Bacharach is being honored. I hope I spelled that right. Yeah, I did. Why is Nelly getting stuck with the boring stuff? She performed at Hip-Hop Honors for crying out loud…she’s too cool. Corinne Bailey Ray is too boring for my life too. I just fell asleep when that “Just like a star” bit played. Amy Winehouse won for “Rehab.” She’s the one sweeping the evening. I’m telling you, if her performance sucks we’re scrappin.9:20PM My husband Jason Bateman is back on stage with the My Grammy Moment posse fighting over the violin position for the Foo Fighters. Ann Marie Calhoun got it. Miri Ben Ari is like wtf? Foo Fighters won a Grammy? This year? Did I miss their album? Dave Grohl was much better looking as a Nirvana member…but that was ages ago. Foo Fighters are rocking out like they should be. Wow, is it like a requirement to have an overbite to be in the Foo Fighters? Ok this Foo Fighters performance is taking too long. It’s like Tom Petty at the Superbowl. Uh oh Ann Marie Calhoun’s big violin debut. G’head girl! I can’t hate. 15 minutes of fame is nice. Illseed likes the orchestra idea. I agree.9:32PM George Lopez doesn’t make me laugh at all. Wow how original. An Obama and Hillary joke. Who is Brad Paisley? He’s cute, but this song is not my thing. I think Bobby Brown should come out on stage. 9:38PM Is that Solange with Akon and Chris Brown? Matthew Knowles is a powerful man. Sup with the outdated rap album nominees? Kanye won, obviously. His head says MAMA. I get it now. I’ll be a horrible person if I say something about that. They are kicking Kanye off the stage! He stopped the music, haha. 9:42 Why is Luda announced by his government name? Who is he, Diddy? Aretha Franklin’s outfit is not happening. Bebe Winans, what’s with the jacket? Ok this whole portion is boring me. The cast of High School Musical is on without Zac Ephron. Uninspiring for the God portion of the evening.9:56PM Carole King should write an R&B song. Oh yay Feist! Shes come such a long way. Too cool. She looks like Chloe Sevigny this evening. 10:00PM These old timers being the first ever to win this or that for the 50th Anniversary. Kid Rock is flirting with this older lady. Foo Fighetrs won Best Rock Album. Great. Did they have an album this year? I’m waiting to be inspired again. Where’s Alicia? Amy, don’t mess this up, homey. It’s your 9th inning. 10:10PM Stevie! Whoa he said “uh, hello” all Prince like with people applauding. Okay okay. I feel like we just honored Berry Gordy at the BET Awards. Stevie is announcing Alicia. Proper! Alicia Keys is currently taking us to church. See THIS is how it’s supposed to be. Leeshy is the greatest, hands down. OMG John Mayer. I’m officially engaged to this performance. This is GREAT. John Mayer, if you’re reading this: my email address is on the staff page. Wink.10:19PM Vince Gill won something. “I just got an award given to me by a Beatle…have you had that happen to you yet Kanye?” Ooooh. Fightin’ words. “Music is where democracy lives. Every note is equal.” Uh, ok. 10:24PM George Gershwin tribute. Herbie Hancock is the man, but I think I might take a little nap in anticipation for Amy. I’m counting on you, Winehouse!10:32PM The ensemble thing ended. Nice big man hug at the end. Whoa, hello Juanes. Who the heck is Taylor Swift? Uh oh Rap/Sung collab. We know who won this one. Rihanna??? Umbrella??? The SHOCK! WHOA WHOA Ri Ri pulled Jay on stage. Get her B! Ha Jay is pretending to be an interpreter. At least he knows we never know what the f**k she says. You didn’t forget any names, Rihanna, but you sure as hell forgot you had an accent. FAKE!10:40PM Amy, you and your new tooth better not mess this up! Cuba is announcing her? Wtf? Here she comes…I’m worried! Awww thank GOD. A little wobbly, but she’s gangsta. She looks like she’s about to shank someone, and I’m ok with that. The irony of her singing “Rehab” isn’t lost on any person watching this ceremony. She’s grinning all coyly like “tee hee you saw me on that pipe.” Stop shouting out Blake, Amy. Yeah I’m liking this performance. Especially with her being so smug about the rehab bit. Yeah, she nailed it. She really connected with her music. G’head Amy. Welcome back!10:48PM Tony Bennett can’t read cue cards. Am I the only one who enjoys the irony of Amy Winehouse performing followed by a tribute to the squeaky clean Doris Day? Usher doesn’t want to be here tonight. He should’ve just let his son Chris Brown ride with the appearance. Record of the Year. Amy got it. They always do that following a performance. OMG I am going to cry by the look on Amy’s face when she saw she won. That is the sweetest thing ever. She is too gangsta. She made me cry. 10:51PM I’m still crying over Amy’s win. I’ve returned to Team Amy. I just hope she stays healthy. She’s too talented.10:58PM Who is this Shia LaBeouf lookalike playing the piano? Aww they just honored Pimp C. That little bit of Roberta Flack’s “Killing Me Softly” made me miss Lauryn Hill. I could start crying again, but I won’t. Wow I didn’t know Don Ho died. RIP to Tiny Bubbles. His daughter Hoku, whatever happened to her music career? 11:03PM Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli? Hmm. Pretty music. Time for a snack.11:12PM Bonnie Raitt announces John Fogerty, Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis. Cool. Let’s get to the Album of the Year already. I’m getting sleepy.11:25PM Professor Will.I.Am? Am I missing something? Ugh he is soooo Wyclef. He’s like that sort of cool teacher at school that entertains you, but like if you saw them at a club you wouldn’t say hi. Unless you were really drunk and then took pics with him and put them on your My Space page…or something. 11:26PM Usher? Whatever, Quincy Jones is in the building! Greatest man alive. I wish he was my father. I do. Mark Ronson won Producer of the Year as he should. This Album of the Year award is making me nervous. Who is it…11:28PM Huh? Herbie Hancock? Album of the Year? He’s getting shoved off stage. Meanies. Oh well, the Grammys are over.That’s all.Okay so some highlights:Beyonce and Tina Turner, Alicia Keys and Frank Sinatra, Alicia Keys and John Mayer, Kanye West and the return of Amy Winehouse.The lowlights:Everything in between.