In todays fickle music market, many artists are finding it difficult to maintain the publics interest after their initial success. Furthermore, the idea of being a career artist is becoming as vintage as boom boxes, high top fades, and Adidas sweat suits. The problem is that many artists seem to think that after hitting it big the first time around, that it’s all about them. Well think again, because it ain’t! Plus, all you artists who have that legendary title next to you, don’t think that’ll survive today’s market without a little shakeup. All hope however is not lost. Artists, pay attention! I am here to offer much needed advice on ways to keep the publics interest. So grab a pen, call your publicist and get to work!
The Amy Winehouse Theory
We love you, girl! Your second and most popular album Back to Black took us on a soulful odyssey and we thank you for it. It also introduced us to one hell of a train wreck. You didn’t seem so self-destructive on your first album Frank. You know, the album no one’s heard about. So…as much as we like you and appreciate your talent, the truth is for our continued acceptance you have to stay as much of a train wreck as you were when we first met you! This means staying out of rehab, and consuming as many drugs as your little British heart desires. It might even help if you lost some more teeth.
Remember: Drug addiction + you = Five Grammy Awards!!!
The Mary J. Blige Theory
As fans of yours, we are happy that you found love and are becoming a better person with each album. However, you are doing this at the expense of your fans. We miss the Mary that was a mess! This happy Mary s**t pisses us off! We want you to grow as a person, but we would just rather not hear about it on your albums. We don’t want to be Fine Fine Fine Fine Fine Fine Fine, we want Real Love damnit! You should fix this ASAP. Mary, have you met Amy Winehouse? You two should really hang out. You two would really hit it off. After a couple nights out with Amy, you will be back to singing about pain in no time!
The Beyonce Theory
Ok Bey, so you can sing. You can dance too. And you can act? (well two out of three aint bad). You have a boatload of Grammies and your fans love you like a crack habit. However, you seem about as interesting as a bag of rocks! To keep our attention, we are going to need for you to get an addiction, curse someone out, or get into a fight. Give us something Bey! You seem too perfect and it just reminds us of how much we are not! Help us out! Help YOU out!
The Usher Theory
Usher Raymond, we love you. You sing you dance you dance some more. You’re not even old yet and these kids sliding around on stage are being called “The Next Usher.” That means something. What we like about you most however, is that you seem to understand your fans’ appetite for drama. We know you have an album coming, so please Usher, in 08 keep the drama coming! We want baby mama drama, divorces (two if you can fit them in this year), staff firings, custody battles, we want it all. Please do not deny us. In return, we will continue to be your loyal fans.