Hexmurda’s Column: The Drake Conspiracy

I don’t hate Drake.

 

There, I said it.

 

Don’t know the dude, never met him. I think he’s a talented cat, rappin’ and actin’ and sangin’ and all that.

 

He’s even got the only record spinnin’ on urban radio that I don’t hate more than the KKK hates Obama.

 

But that doesn’t make him the savior of Hip-Hop.

 

Not by a longshot.

 

However, apparently some real CEO’s (not the n****as in your hood with business cards for their record label and their car wash, with numbers scratched out) these n****as inhabit whole floors of skyscrapers and have anointed Drake “NEXT.”

 

I can see it now, intra-office memos written in invisible ink, phone calls where coded phrases like “bury the sun” are uttered, secret communiques transported by carrier pigeon.

 

Clandestine meetings on park benches where identical briefcases are exchanged.

Limos pulling up to a rinky dink bodega in Brooklyn, with the shrouded occupants going through a hidden door behind the counter, down a secret passageway lined with platinum plaques. The passage leading to an underground fortress, that either looks like a witches’ coven or the f***ing NORAD bunker.

 

They’re all here.

 

All of them.

 

Morris. Bronfman. Cohen. Rhone. Liles. Reid. Greenwald. Iovine.

 

All of them.

 

Sitting in thrones at a huge table carved out of an ancient oak tree, drinking from golden goblets filled with a substance that bears an uncanny resemblance to blood.

 

These are the people who make the decisions. They decide whose careers thrive and who ends up on a f***ing milk carton in XXL.

 

These are the folks who operate the proverbial “MACHINE,” and they can George Bush the button whenever they feel like it.

 

And they have convened for one reason, and one reason only.

 

DRAKE.

 

Yeah, that sounds like some real Skull and Bones bulls**t, right?

 

It probably is, but I’m telling you n****as, something is afoot (I always wanted to fucking say that – “afoot”).

 

Drake was buzzing ridiculously before he actually signed his deal, but there was definitely an underlying invisible current moving things along. Somebody who decides their own f**king salary had also decided to make Drake the next household name.

 

Now, I don’t want to take anything from the guy, he can rhyme. But I’m from Detroit, the home of eLZhi, Royce da 5′ 9″, GuiltySimpson, and Eminem. It takes a lot for any rapper/MC to impress me lyrically, and Drake hasn’t done it yet.

 

Of course what I think makes no f***ing difference in the greater scheme of things because someone who is WAY above my pay grade is highly impressed by him and thinks he’s the best thing since Blackberries.

 

Is this just grass roots marketing at its finest?

 

Are we watching the natural organic growth of the next Mega-Star? Did Bush know about the Towers before they fell? Was there really another shooter on the Grassy Knoll?

 

Who the f**k knows.

 

THE DRAKE IDENTITY

 

All I know is, some kid that used to play a character named “Wheelchair Jimmy” on teen TV series “DEGRASSI HIGH” is supposedly all set to become “the next Jay-Z.”

 

And he’s from CANADA.

 

The New Frontier, the First Rapper from an untapped region (although I think Kardinal Offishall, Choclair, Saukrates, Bishop Brigante and Tona may dispute that).

 

In this situation, Drake’s citizenship is working to his advantage,along with the fact that although Degrassi was seen in the U.S., it was set in Canada and primarily broadcast there.

 

Please believe if Drake was on muthaf***ing “SAVED BY THE BELL,” that would be the ONLY medium where you’d ever see him rhyming.

 

Don’t get me wrong,though,the boy has been puttin’ his work in and racking up co-signs like Obama at a NAACP rally.

 

Lil Wayne.

 

Kanye.

 

Jay-Z.

 

It’s been rumored that he ghostwrites for Wayne, he made Kanye forget that he had his OWN artists like Kid Cudi and Big Sean,and Jay-Z got him on BP3 (although he’s singin’ on it,not rhymin’.)

 

I will say that Drake definitely knows how to make actual records,and his management team is currently at the top of their game,got all the smoke and mirrors firmly in place.

 

If Drake can make it through the inevitable backlash that comes with oversaturation and success he may have some staying power in this game.

 

He already made it through both “KNEEGATE” and “BREASTGATE” and the Garanimals shirts he rocks with Mr. Rogers sweaters are sure to be all the rage this fall in suburban high schools everywhere.

 

Couple this with the fact that somewhere, behind the scenes, he has an omnipotent puppeteer plucking and pulling all the right strings for him, Drake can’t lose, just like Parke rLewis.

 

I know the Skulls…I mean, the CEO’s almost fainted when they saw him. Clean cut, young. Already on TV. Co-signed by the self-proclaimed Best Rapper Alive himself. Sings, too. Half-Black,Half-Jewish.

 

The Music Industry Messiah.

 

They were probably all calling, texting and emailing each other all at once, putting their dibbs in. One yells, “I want his publishing!” Another screams, “I want book rights!” Another still barks, “I want his head!” The last one, “I want his knees!” Well, the dude who got the knees is probably a little Lawry’s at the moment.

 

You get the idea though.

 

Everybody wants a piece.

 

They just love them some Drake pie. Drake may actually get the last laugh in all this s**t, word on the street is he owns his masters.

 

THE EMINEM FACTOR

 

I wouldn’t even be writing this s**t if it weren’t for the release of that “FOREVER” record last week.

 

Until then I just thought that Drake had the best management team in the world and a four leaf clover in his pocket. Of course Kanye and Lil Wayne were a given to be on that record to support their brethren, but when Mr.Mathers decided to breathe on the mic, that was the clincher for me.

 

That’s when I KNEW something was AFOOT. (I got to say that s**t TWICE in one column, I’m on a f***ing roll). By Eminem actually spitting a verse that actually sounds like EMI-MUTHAF***ING-NEM, and Jimmy Iovine actually signing off on said verse, I knew there was some powerful voodoo at work.

 

Either that or Slim Shady just wanted to s**t on those other two guys on a record and this joint was the perfect opportunity.

 

THE DRAKE ULTIMATUM

 

Eventually, Drake’s going to have to release his major label project, and I’m sure “THE POWERS THAT BE” are going to pull out ALL the stops for it.

 

I seriously doubt anybody else’s release date is going to be anywhere near it, unless it’s on Super Tuesday. His album’s gonna have all the bells and whistles.

 

And then it’s going to be judged.

 

Just like everybody else’s s**t. It’s gonna leak, get reviews, both good and bad, and then on a Tuesday morning, we’ll see what’s popping.

 

Then the following week,when the scans are in, we’ll see what’s REALLY popping.

 

He’s FAR from the worst rapper in this climate and he should be able to do numbers.

 

Maybe he sells 20, 000. Maybe his label will buy an additional 100,000 copies of his record and he debuts at Number 1.

 

Maybe he sells a millie first week.

 

Maybe this is all bulls**t and there are no All Powerful Record Gods who have seen fit to give Drake their blessing.

 

Maybe he just has pictures of some “higher up” at Universal in a compromising position with a bunch of young Asian boys in a Turkish bath.

 

Maybe.

 

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