Do you know how much pipe I had to lay to be able to go out of town this past weekend for DJ Kay Slay’s birthday party in New York? Do you have any idea of how many “Honey Dos” and bullshit chores I had to do around the house to be able to go to Atlanta this past weekend for the Urban Model Awards? I literally had to plow my wife’s poontang seven straight nights and twice a day on the weekend just to get out of town! A n***a did what a n***a had to do!
Couple that with having to get on my knees and damn near perform fellatio beg Massa Malloy down at the Chicken Shack where I flour Yard Bird for eight bucks an hour for a weekend off. Again, a n***a had to do what a n***a had to do! Yes! I completed the arduous task getting away from wifey and work for a weekend in New York and Atlanta that was filled to the brim with debauchery, libations and licentiousness—and hot chicks!
This blog is for you—dudes over fifty who are stuck in their little hamlet or molehill that they call a “city”—burdened down by some nagging woman who can’t stand for them to have some “me time.” This is for you—you middle-aged guys whose mundane existence entails working for shit wages and paying bills, only to return to work Monday and do it all over again. And lastly, this blog is for you young cats that can’t stand seeing us old guys having fun—can’t stand to see an older cat nestled up in the arms of a young hottie. Yeah, for all you Internet trolls that read my blogs with the expressed purposed of writing some negativity to make you feel better about being the nobody that you are! LOL. Yes! Especially for you—you ol’ “Lookin Ass N***a!” I’m about to fly the coop on you BUM-ASS n***as! Hatin’ on an old guy! LOL!
(In case you didn’t know, I’m a blogger/writer and I’ve been on DJ Kay Slay’s team, writing for the number one independent urban model magazine, Straight Stuntin Magazine and Originators Magazine for six years. That’s why I attend these events sucka! And tru’ dat! Unlike many hip-hop bloggers that are too scurrred to come outside, I ain’t hard to find! I really walk these streets!) See video below!
Now! Let’s get to the party!
So the old guy (me!) went dolo this weekend. Got me a hotel in New York City (just a few blocks from Times Square) at this swank little dig called “The Out NYC.” Little did I know I had made a reservation for a room for four (kinda like a hostel)! But fuck it! I’m an adventurist! I roomed with a guy from Japan, a dude from Mexico and a hot, hawt, haught chick from Spain—23-years old who came to America to have fun (and do some “modeling”) Side-eye.
Within a few hours the Mexican guy checked out and the Japanese guy was mostly ghost, leaving me and this Latina chick alone. We hit it off immediately! She was a big hip-hop fan, so we jammed to some tunes on Hot97 and danced a little. After that, she went on a modeling assignment and asked what I was doing later that night. I told her I was going to DJ Kay Slay’s Birthday party on a yacht. Her eyes lit up and asked if she could go. I told her the tickets were $100 a pop and I’d have to call Slay and see if he had anymore left to sell. (I know this chick thought the old guy would come out of pocket just to be in her company, but fuck that! Why would I want to bring sand to the beach anyway? I might be 54-years old, but I’ll be a selective sugar-daddy if I have to go that route. I sure wasn’t gonna let a hardly-no-speaking-English chick dupe me out of a Benjamin! Hell no!) She said she had $100 and really wanted to go and after speaking with Kay Slay I told her she could go.
By 12PM I was on the A-Train headed to Harlem. Got Uptown and did some shopping and had dinner at Sylvia’s, the bestest soul food joint in the world! Fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, sweet potatoes, a salad and ice tea. Mmmmm good! Check out the food at Sylvia’s in Harlem!
By 8 o’clock the Spaniard chick and I were back at the hotel by ourselves. Undecided about what to wear, this little 23-year old chick strips down to nothing but a thong and bra—right in front of me! And tries on outfit after outfit and asking for my approval! Wowzers!!!! I must’ve made her change six or seven times just to get a look at those tits and ass! I couldn’t believe the ocular fucking that she treated me too! LOL! If I weren’t married it would’ve been on and crackin’! (Some of you young and thirsty n***as would’ve prolly tried to rape that girl.)
Talk about “old guy gone wild!”—It took everything I could muster up to keep from pushin’ up on her for some stank! And truly, she was a willing participant, even though she’d ask me my age and complimented me for being “very handsome.”
By midnight, we were on a yacht with DJ Kay Slay and a bevy of urban models. Nowhere near the 250 that Kay Slay advertised, but enough to keep the eyeballs working. For some unknown reason I felt kinda pimpish. By now, it became quite clear that this Latina was feelin’ a n***a, so I ratcheted up the game and had the bitch buying me drinks. I dare not spend a dime on this chick, ‘cause she was straight lookin’ for a baller that night (and I seen’t she had hella money in her purse when she gave me a Benjamin to get on the yacht.)
(The Spanish chick and me on the yacht)
I let her go her way and I went my way. Every now and again we’d bump into each other, hug, laugh, dance a little and make her buy me another drink. I gave no fucks about her after awhile. N****s on that yacht were trying their best to holla at her, dismissing the old guy’s swag. Dudes would saddle up next to us and be “ear hustlin'” (eavesdropping)–trying to figure out an angle to get at her. I just laughed and told a few cats that she’s free for the taking. Ain’t no handcuffs on her! Listen to this chick in this video trying to bait me. And listen to the young dude hatin’ on old guys, talumbout we gotta eat our vegetables and shit!
I had mad-fun! Even though this generation of n***as doesn’t dance, I danced—by myself might I add! When Bobby Shmurda’s “Hot N***a” came on I started doing the “Shmurda” dance and had n***as wildin’! Video cameras taping the lone old guy on the dance floor—“old guy gone wild” and I gave no fucks about people laughing at me. I went into the “Fred Sanford” (you know! When Fred used to put one hand on his heart and the other in the air and say, “’Lizabeth! I’m comin’ to join ya!” [In heaven, I suppose]) and n***as went bonkers! Yeah, I kilt the Shmurda’s dance without ever having done it until that very moment! LOL.
This had been my second Kay Slay boat ride I’d been on. The first was far better! There were more models and even a few celebs in the house like Cam’ron, Ray J and Papoose. I didn’t see anyone of note this go round and many of the models, however beautiful, sat there like a bump-on-a-log and were not accessible for photo opts. I won’t say that Kay Slay had handcuffs on them, but they were at his table and weren’t too interested in mingling. And to top it off, the yacht departed around 12:30AM and docked just before 2:45, hardly the “all night until” as advertised!
(The god, DJ Kay Slay and me)
By the time we docked my Latina friend had found a man and was off to the Hilton for a night of gut-busting. I caught a cab back to the hotel and slept for 4 hours and made my way to the airport, headed for Atlanta for the 5th Annual Urban Model Awards.
Lots of these urban models, strippers claim they “get money.” Let’s see how many of them show up at an award ceremony meant for them! Let’s see if they’re really a boss ‘cause even a dude like me, who works at the Chicken Shack bossin’ up this weekend—New York on Friday and Atlanta on Saturday—rock star shit!
Atlanta was the shit! My daughter and granddaughter live in Atlanta, so although I was there to turn up at the Urban Model Awards, I was also there to spend time with mi familia. I took my daughter and my nephew (who also lives in Atlanta) with me to the awards. We had a great time. The models were far more friendly and accessible for picture-taking than those stuffy New York models who sat on their phat asses all night. (I wonder how many of their asses fell asleep from sitting all night? A chair will make that ass go numb!)
(Me and my daughter at Urban Model Awards in Atlanta. Follow her IG @Euniquedabeauti)
Instead of attending the after-party, I went with my daughter to her aunt’s house for an all-white party that was turnt! Sunday was a rest day, only venturing out with my daughter to eat at “Gladys Knight’s Chicken & Waffles” restaurant and a quick tour through the parking lot of Bishop Eddie “Long-Strokins’” church. I’m sure you remember the scuttleBUTT (pun intended) surrounding Eddie Long and four male ex-members who said ol’ Eddie was boinking them when they were teenagers. Eddie quietly settled those lawsuits and its back to business as usual.
My last night in Atlanta was spent with my daughter partying. We drank and partied and then I had her drop me off at the airport where I had an early Monday flight. That was my adventure.
(Me and my baby-girl in Atlanta clubbing)
Was all that poontang plowing and miscellaneous housework worth a trip out of town?You damned skippy! Can’t wait to do it all over next year! Old guys! If your woman won’t let you get out and have some fun, by all means, live vicariously through me! So what did you do over the weekend?
Peep my pics, but don’t be hatin’ on an old nigga!
(The CEOs of the Urban Model Awards)
(Nephew & daughter ATL Awards)