[Editors note: This piece contains language of a frank, honest nature. For mature individuals only.]
Im most probably going to get a phone call both from my label and publicist about writing this, but honestly, Im just tired of mincing my words and being nice about shit. I havent really written a lot on allhiphop in a second, mostly because Im too damn frustrated with everything to write as a hobby. Im angry, Im tired and close to spazing out about a lot of shit.
I hate this industry. I hate the music business because it has shit to do with music. I grew up in a family of independent struggling musicians and Im sick of being a part of that cycle. Im tired of fighting harder than everyone else to even just get a little bit. I dont even know why I fucking put my heart into doing this when its obvious that so many people who dont, get what they want out of it. The financial unstability of this is driving me crazy. Why do I have to keep turning out entire albums or releases full of music when some cat can spit on a mixtape once, or give someone a pound and then get on immediately? Why try to do something thats apparently so fucking different and impossible, that I have to defend it to myself everyday?
I hate myself for dumping my all into this. If I was smarter I wouldnt have pursued this career. Im older than most people already established in this business and Im not thinking of the money coming out of it for balling out purposes. I want to be a mom soon, I want to have some sort of steadiness in my life, but with this job that is close to a damn impossibility right now.
Fuck everyone at all these labels who even know me and wont even give me a damn chance to step in the door.
Oh, I love your shit, but they cant do shit for me. Fuck the boys club mentality that they have and the vision they lack.
Years of rejection make you really second think yourself. Maybe its not them, maybe its me. Maybe my shit isnt good enough to compete with all the stuff out there. Then I hate everything, then I read her delivery is trash, or her beats are wack and that solidifies all of that in my head. As much as I can try to fight it and try to like my own material it becomes a chore to listen to it. Its a cycle. I get like that, then snap out of it after a pep talk and think, no, I am talented. I have something. Dont pay attention to all that shit, Im stronger than that. Im not a quitter, Im a fighter.
My fighter outlook is getting really weak. Less and less I really put myself into this shit with a gung ho attitude and now I do it almost because Im stuck here and I dont like to start things and not finish them.
I can have press out the ass, it doesnt seem to matter. No one really outside of the industry or underground heads know who the fuck I am. Doing shows that are difficult to get in the first place and then only having like 20 people there for crap money doesnt lift your spirits. Promoters wont even understand that we dont have the kind of money it takes to get to these damn places unless theyre paying for them. If there are maybe 2 black women in the audience that night its a good night for me. I understand that fans are fans and I respect that. But its a piece of shit job when you cant even see yourself reflected in the audience.
I cant get on any big mixtapes, labels are scared to fuck with something without a great soundscan history and people that have the power to help treat me like the invisible rapper. What am I supposed to do ? Im tired of writing because everything is coming out angry and I dont want to be that person. Im mad that Im broke, Im mad that Im living in the same situation...and you know what XXL??? Im fucking mad that I cant make my wedding plans happen again this year. Yeah. You guys put me in your Negro Please section a few months ago with the quote Im broke and I couldnt go through with the plans for my wedding I had on Valentines day.
So, what the fuck? That was funny? You know, you forgot to mention the fact that the quote you took came from a Fader magazine article in which the next line I spoke was my dad has cancer. Perhaps you should have included that too, since you thought that the beginning was so hilarious. You dont know shit about me or my life and with the amount of ignorant speakers around you chose to include something that you thought somehow was chuckle worthy. Fuck off.
Im taking back the nice and putting on the angry face because Im tired. Im tired of being overlooked and underpaid.
Im tired of trying to come up with new fucking ingenious plans of how to let people know that I exist and then scrapping them because we dont have the money to do shit. Its a luxury to me to watch people sit in a studio and take time with their shit. Its a tragedy to see them wasting their time and not realizing how lucky they are to have the opportunity to do that. Theres tons of people I would love to work with, but money doesnt allow that, so in the interims between albums and shows I gotta come up with all these crazy hustles to keep my name out there and introduce myself to a new audience. Most of them never come to pass because of a lack of money to make them happen. Shows that I dont want to take I have to, no matter how small the money is because, well, food is something you need. Im not trying to be whiny about work, trust Im a workhorse, Ive never shied away from that. However, I am opposed to working for nothing. For fucking nothing. Im not retarded, otherwise that would sound like a great idea, but Im too old for that shit. Everything is a chance, a promise of something that could possibly come to pass and usually doesnt.
Im sick and damn tired of explaining who I am to my label. Why we shouldnt work the same formula that everyone else uses and hearing, its about the numbers. Its all about the numbers.
Well, I cant do anything about the numbers cause Im out of ideas and I dont want to play the waiting game anymore. I dont have the time to sit back and think of things because I have to eat.
Im out of ways to dance around things and pretend like Im happy and coming up with some great new shit when I do interviews. I dont have anything to talk about anymore. Im stuck, Im pissed, but I guess none of that even matters in the long run, since Im not even playing in the same league as everyone else.
I dont know what Im gonna do now, or why I have to keep explaining to people why I make music and who Im making it for. I used to rap and make beats because, damn I just did. Doing it for work isnt a problem, but wheres the work? I dont think Im the most incredible person out there, but I want to get better. I understand that when its a job a lot of it ceases to be fun, but this is like a 10 year internship with no fucking promotion. I have to sit here and watch people get hired around me and move up to top management positions. I know the people at these labels, they know me, Ive been here for years and no one ever fucking gives me a chance to even break in. I would respect it even a little if they just told me I wasnt shit and kicked me out. But just treating me like Im not even there is some bullshit. What the fuck? Maybe if I was a damn model I wouldve gotten further ahead. But Im not. I look like me and only me and Im not going to change anything or start feeling bad about myself because thats the only way that females can play in this game. That can get to you too you know. I thought it was about the work that I did, but obviously it never was. My dreamer mentality pretty much ended a few years ago, but even reality doesnt seem to get me anywhere.
I dont want to keep venting for nothing either, so Ill probably just keep all of this stuff inside from now on like I usually do.
I know I cant state any fucking opinion without someone going aww fuck that bitch shes on her period and she mad cause shes not that nice anyway and plus she ugly.
I read message boards, I know how it goes..thats pretty much standard, but fuck you too.
Thanks allhiphop for always letting me be me.
Fuck the rap game. Its not about the music or the heart or how hard you play.
Fuck you for not letting me in, cowards.
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