The R Kelly Trial: A Play by Play Part Eight - The Best Defense is an Offensive Mole

The views expressed in this Trial Update are not the views expressed by This is purely for entertainment value. Hey there, fellow addicts! I know it’s been a little while, but finally I am back with another update. And I am happy to inform you that I have much more f**kery to report. So put on those galoshes, and snap on that rain coat as we begin another pissy ride!!!Ok so first I must recap. So it seems we are back to talking about the mole on R. Kelly’s back. Lawyer Douchebag called his own forensics expert to the stand. The “expert’s” name is Charles Palm. He basically said that the man in the video does not have the same mole on his back that R has. He insisted that what people were seeing and mistaking for a mole was actually just a shadow caused by the poor quality of the tape. They even put the piss tape on the big monitor and freeze-framed the video in efforts to prove their point. Now you know me, I am the eternal optimist. But what are the f**king odds that there would be this “mystery shadow” on the same spot that R has his herpes sore…I mean mole? This sounds like complete bullsh*t! So the next time I get arrested for stalking Oprah and they show me the security footage of me spanking my monkey in her backyard over a picture of O Magazine, I’m simply going to say I know that might look like my penis, but nope it’s just a shadow. The supposed expert also went on to say that the video could have easily been doctored, and he even showed a version he made “in the spare hours” he had where the people seem to disappear. Ok, so? Hey Charlie boy, if you really wanted to show us something why didn’t you put Barbara Walter’s head on the man’s body and make it look like she was pissing on Star Jones! Aside from being a turn on, that would have really cast some doubt! Until you do that as far as I’m concerned, that is R. Kelly in the tape, damnit! So quit opening up your piss drinker and spewing out dumb reasons why it can’t be!Then Lawyer Douchebag called this PI on R. Kelly’s payroll to the stand named Jack Palladino. He basically said that he thought the girl who thought it a good idea to have pisscapades with minors, (Van Allen-my favorite witness of the trial) was trying to extort R. Kelly. Allegedly Van Allen was eyeing 300k to write a book about her adventures with the King of R&Pee.PI penis face said he thought that she would accept money to keep silent. Since when do you just throw people on the stand to just run off at the mouth about what they think without one ounce of proof? This ain’t the Tyra show! So it’s still early in the defense’s show, but it seems like they are OD’ing on the B.S. early! They need to step their game up or their kiddy-p**sy loving client just might get what he deserves! Stay tuned friends…Check out the previous trial update