The R Kelly Trial: A Play by Play Part Nine - The End of the Road

The views expressed in this Trial Update are not the views expressed by This is purely for entertainment value. Today, after getting what was probably the most upsetting news I have received since finding out that Kelly Rowland had plans of re-releasing her album, I decided to play Amy Winehouse’s “Me and Mr. Jones” over and over again. Why? Because at the beginning of the song she sings, “What kind of f**kery is this?” After finding out that R. Kelly had been acquitted of all child pornography charges, that was exactly how I felt. However, any thoughts that with R’s acquittal I would have nothing to say are as wrong as coming back from Mexico and not trying to smuggle drugs into the US. I am writing this with a heavy heart. Truth is, when I initially got the news of The King of R&Pee’s acquittal, I was in the middle of writing an update on the events of the days prior. Some of these events included testimony of another video “expert,” more discussions about R. Kelly’s mole, and several of the jurors acting up in court and at restaurants. But I guess none of it matters anymore. One question still lingers in my mind though. What type of hallucinogens was the jury on? Who in their right mind could not see that R was guilty as sin? Over seven days presenting their case, prosecutors called 22 witnesses, including several childhood friends of the alleged victim and four of her relatives who identified her as the female on the video. In just two days, Lawyer Douchebag called just 12 witnesses (as many as R. could buy without looking suspicious). They included three relatives of the Pissee (for old time’s sake) who testified they did not recognize her as the young “lady” on the tape. That doesn’t even make sense! Especially since most of the witnesses Lawyer Douchebag called to the stand didn’t say anything profound. Furthermore, they showed the goddamned porno in the courtroom over and over! So much that I’m sure many of the jurors had favorite parts! Did R. Kelly have to urinate directly into one of the juror’s mouths for people to realize that it was him? I guess this is what money and fame get you, an acquittal! I have lost all faith in our justice system! I’m moving to Cuba, where things are fair!I couldn’t help but also think about the future of stars of this trial. The King of R & Pee and his Pissee. I think the Pissee will go on to do great things. I think she has a bright future in entertainment…in Bangkok, where she will give live sex shows with live chickens and muskrats. As for R. Kelly, I think he will continue his string of hit records, and hell…we may even get a gospel album out of him. Later in his lif,e he will become the spokesperson for a new line of diapers for old people battling incontinence. What will it be called? Child’s Mouth. Unfortunately, I did not get the verdict that I wanted but, if I was a betting man…I would say that we have not seen the last of R. Kelly’s home video collection. I thank you all for taking this ride with me. It’s been an interesting trial like I promised. I will see you all at my next screaming party! Love you all like a crack habit…