The R Kelly Trial: A Play by Play Part Seven: A Quickie with Cue Cards

The views expressed in this Trial Update are not the views expressed by This is purely for entertainment value. Hey R. Kelly trial fans! After some serious thought and prayer, I have decided to simply report the facts without making jokes. This is a serious situation and it should be reported with respect and integrity. LMAO Just kidding…I’m writing this and I don’t even believe it! I figure I’m already on the wait list for heaven; a couple jokes about a child molester can’t hurt right? So light those crack pipes and “stand in line for the bathroom” 'cause I'm bizack to report the news like only I can…So on Wednesday, the reporter who started all this drama got called to the stand after being threatened with jail time by the judge. Jim DeRogatis broke this story all those years ago when the tape of Kelly mysteriously ended up in his mailbox. With jury out of the room, ol’ Jimmy boy was questioned. In response to every question he read off a cue card, “I respectfully decline to answer that question on the advice of counsel on the grounds that to do so would contravene the reporter privilege, the special witness doctrine and my rights under the Illinois Constitution, as well as the First and Fifth Amendments of the United States Constitution." Yup, dude just kept reading from his cue card like it was a f**king Chuck Norris infomercial for Bowflex or something! How hilarious is that! S**t, the next time I’m on trial for drugs, soliciting prostitutes, stealing snakes from the zoo, or assaulting nuns, I’m going to have me some cue cards with some hot s**t to say while I’m on the stand. Because my normal response of “I love drugs and Jesus” has not been working. But I digress…So Lawyer Douchebag tried to paint the reporter to be someone who had a huge grudge against R. Kelly. He went as far as to insinuate that the reporter may have altered the tape. Ok so to go along with that crazy logic of music journalists having huge grudges against artists why don’t, I make a video tape that seems to depict Rihanna giving b-jobs to bulls in Spain during the Running of the Bulls Festival! Geez! Does anyone really think I would do that? On second thought, don’t answer that. Anyway, the end result was that the reporter does not have to testify in front of the jury. After all of that!So afterwards the defense called some people on R. Kelly’s payroll…I mean witnesses to the stand, who also happened to be relatives of ol’ girl in the tape. They all testified that the girl in the tape was not our Miss Notorious P.I.S.S. in the video. In fact, Shonna Edwards, who they say was also in a singing group with the Pissee, said that she had hung out in the studio with R.Kelly before and from what she knew of him, that did not appear to be him on the tape. Uh oh! Sounds like she might have let R hit that. Damn these f**king groupies! It just seems like each day just gets better and better when it comes to this trial! I’m off to score some crack because I have so much more work to do and these articles aren’t just going to write themselves, damnit! Talk to you soon…Check out the previous trial update!