The R Kelly Trial: A Play by Play Part Six - Three the Hard Way

The views expressed this Trial Update are not the views expressed by This is purely for entertainment purposes. Hey there party people! I am pleased to report that the R. Kelly trial has hit a new level of entertaining! Is this a kiddie porn trial or One Life to Live? (Or One Man To Piss ha!)So before I get to the really good stuff, I must recap some things that were equally as juicy! So remember when Lawyer Douchebag said that R. Kelly couldn’t be the guy in the tape because the guy in the tape was missing a herpes sor..I mean a mole that R has had since childhood? Well guess what? It turns out that the guy in the tape does in fact have a mole in the same spot that R does. I’m sooo shocked! Last week, the prosecution brought in a forensics expert, who freeze framed the tape and pointed out that the guy in the tape has the same skin blemish that R. Pissy has. Now ain’t that some shi*! Hey R, you need to fire your lawyer! He just f**ked you worse than you are going to get f**ked in prison! He must have forgotten that R is holding his family at pisspoint!In a desperate attempt to spare his family from a hurricane of urine, Lawyer Douchebag is planning to call Jim DeRogatis to the stand. He is the Chicago Sun Times reporter who broke the news about the existence of a tape documenting Kelly’s piss filled escapades with his 14-year-old piss it baby. Lawyer Douchebag cannot however ask the reporter about who his source was. That’s right! Respect the journalist code damnit! People try to get me to reveal my sources all the time, but I say no no no! I shouldn’t have to tell you who I get my drugs from! And I’m not going to rehab damnit! Wait..sources are the same as dealers right?This trial has had more twists and turns than the roads I drive on seem to have after a looong night of drinking. So now for the really good stuff. The wonderful lady I have been raving about finally took the stand. Her name is Lisa Van Allen. From the sounds of things, Lisa sounds like a superhead wannabe. She met R. Kelly on the set of one of his videos and let him tap that in his trailer. Apparently R, after banging infants for so long, was so intrigued by her fully formed breasts and the fact that she could stay out past midnight, that he told her to quit her job and be with him full time, as his professional piece of p**sy. She then said that she was later introduced to the Pissee and they all would have 3-ways! Including one on R’s basketball court and another in his trailer during the video shoot for “A Woman’s Threat”! I guess when R. Kelly took bathroom breaks during the video shoot he had two human toilet bowls waiting for him in his trailer. I wonder if they drew straws to decide who pissed on who. And get this, not only was Van Allen rubbing carpets with our Pissee before she hit puberty, she was also stealing sh*t. I wonder how much being someone’s personal toilet bowl pays. Apparently not enough, because Van Allen stole R’s watch from his Georgia hotel in 2001. That ungrateful piece of…How dare she steal from him after he took her on the road with him and gave her his special gourmet lemonade to drink!So to recap, we got pedophiles, thieves, and freaks. I was just joking before, but now I’m convinced, this is a circus! Stay tuned, boys and girls…Check out the previous trial update!