Back to the Drawing Board - Sean Garrett: Turbo 919

Fact: Sean Garrett has written like, every hit song ever. Okay, not every one, but a quick visit to Wikipedia shows that he’s certainly stayed busy. He’s spent most of that time behind the scenes but it was only a matter of time before he decided to jump the fence and start releasing music of his own. He’s been a big help to plenty of other careers and can (sorta) sing so his own album seems like a no-brainer, right? Um…Let’s put it this way; being a great mechanic doesn’t mean you should drive in the Indy 500. While Turbo 919 (currently available only in Japan) has plenty of songs that could be hits for others, Sean’s unremarkable singing, weird haircut and creepy eyebrows aren’t going to help get this record into anyone’s homes. Apparently, someone in charge was a little nervous too since they’re releasing the album a full month later in the US than overseas.Well, Sean, if you ask me (not that you did) it might be in your best interest to stop the presses and get some of that money back by selling these songs off before anyone else hears your versions. As long as I’m handing out unsolicited, unwelcome advice, here’s who I’d call before their next album drops:“What You Doin’ With That” – Chris BrownChris’s voice actually sounds like you think yours does on this song, and the sexual overtones are just non-specific enough that he could pull it off (“he’s talking about dancing, not sex,” they’ll say). Maybe have Rihanna and those mask-wearing kids from the MTV dance crew show do a cameo. Maybe they’ll all have a dance-off in front of a big light board. Maybe Rihanna stage-kisses Chris (no tongue for Nickelodeon), but then maybe the light board explodes at the end to symbolize something that’s not an orgasm. Smells like money to me! “Lay Up Under Me” – Ne-YoAre you sure Ne-Yo didn’t write this to begin with? It sounds like someone trying to be Michael Jackson, and we all know he’s got that game on lock. Give this to Def Jam on the cheap for an album filler since they’ll probably need it to actually get Year of the Gentleman out on time.“Patrón ft. Pharrell” – Bow Wow & Omarion These two are still trying to remind us that they’re not in high school anymore, so a song about designer liquor and date rape seems like a good start. Sure, it could hurt the little tykes’ “Scream Tour” rep, but after seeing all those pictures of Shad at his 21st b-day guzzling Patrón like it was Capri Sun, the deed is already done. Meanwhile, that Face Off album tanked as hard as Turbo 919 is about to, so they could use a smooth Neptunes beat to get them back on the couch with Terrence J & Rocsi.“Turbo 919” – Day 26It isn’t entirely clear what this song’s title means, but it doesn’t make any less sense than “Day 26” does so why not? This song’s pretty decent if you don’t actually listen to it, so if the next album’s anything like their first, it’ll fit right in.“6 in the Morning” – T-PainJudging by the energetic ad-libs and lack of effort, you apparently made this for him anyway. Your voice is better, but he’s better at making people not care. I could just see him strutting around a club dressed like the love child of Flavor Flav and Mayor McCheese, pouring champagne on a model and generally making a mockery of life. Personally, I’d never buy it, but I’d love to be the one selling it.“Girlfriend Ringtone" ft. Lil’ Wayne – UsherYeah, Here I Stand is already out, but we all know there’ll be a “Deluxe” edition in about 90 days with a DVD and four “new” songs that weren’t good enough to make the first cut. “Girlfriend Ringtone” could be one of those songs. It’s got the kind of gimmicky, cutesy concept that Usher loves for that kind of thing (see “Dotcom”) and if nothing else, Lil’ Wayne’s on it. The song isn’t particularly good, but some flashy dance moves and an expensive video (neither of which you can pull off) could actually sell those ringtones you’re trying so hard to shill. You get the idea, Sean. Your mistake wasn’t trying to sell this album; it was trying to sell it to the public. I know, I know – it’s not as fun always being the bridesmaid and never the bride, especially with that Keri Hilson running around showing off her hits with Puff and Timbaland. Still, you had a good thing going, and we both know it paid better. You’re not going to be able to afford all those pretty diamond studded pen necklaces if you’re struggling to recoup for Interscope, so no one’s going to blame you for just sticking with what works. Still, I guess there is one bright side: chances are, not enough people will hear this album for it to hurt your reputation.