I'm Old, But You're Corny
This is not a satire.This is not a joke.This is how this old brain feels.To hell with some of you young whipper-snapper Hip-Pop clowns. You make me not want to have any more kids and you make be fear raising the ones I have.Why?You're wack!Need clarification? Here it is.I am from the third or fourth wave of Hip-Hop aka The late 80s or The whole 90s so that everybody understands where I am coming from. I know very clearly what it is to be a part of radical changes in thought and radical action. And, I know what its like to be different and take risks in style, but this new era is taking it to new levels.First. You think you are sooooooo cool. I see you dudes in the street and you have this tight sag thing going on. What the hell is a tight sag? It is where you wear clothing that is ridiculously tight yet youre a$$ is still coming out. I dont want to see that mess, man! I once rocked my saggy jeans in the 90s, but THEY DIDN'T FIT LIKE SALT-N-PEPA'S SPANDEX!I look at you and I laugh HA! Non-saggy jeans are nothing new. Run DMC's Lee Jeans were "the brand that fits" - not the brand that hugged your sac like an old friend. (Pause for all you latent homosexuals looking to catch me with a pause moment. SMH.)Next, you kids wear these wildly undomesticated outfits like you never heard of complimentary colors. OK, I would give props if this sensibility didnt originate in the 80s. How do you bite the worst part of decade?Oh yeah, you are NOT rock stars. You cats dress like the hair bands of two decades ago not the b-boys. If Axel Rose cant bring himself back, what makes you think you can? You THINK you are original. Like I said, just about everything about you hipster hips was birthed in the 80's, but its like you put you own soft, wussy twist to it. The ultra techni-colors of the 80's were actually a gaudy negative in the 80's, you dimwits! We didn't rock that ish - people like Cyndi Lauper did. Anyway, we affectionately recall the 80's, the spikes, the bracelets, the intermingling of punk/rock/rap, and we love it - in hindsight. That was us and we love it, because we lived it! But we never wore zoot suits because we saw Malcolm X doing it and never attempted to sequin it up because Earth, Wind and Fire did it in the disco era. The love and respect for James Brown was there, but I never straightened my hair to emulate those before me. I did once try to get an Al b. Sure curl kit once, but that was my moment of wackness and Ill never do it again! Yo. If one of you wears a baby blue Muslim scarf (or whatever else you like such as a man purse), you are likely a true original that barrowed from another culture to enhance your swagger. If 10 people, who are in your crew, follow suit - you all are like-minded. But, when you are seeing the same baby blue scarf coast to coast - you are a CONFORMIST and probably a cult leader's wet dream!Here is the part where I help you. I want you to destroy my era and me. Back to Run DMC! Run and D dissed Michael Jackson when he was selling 25 million records and the King of Pop still wanted to record with them. They also destroyed all of the old jacks before them to the point where their styles were old and antiquated beyond belief. Cool is utterly decimating that which is before you - not stealing from it. Cool is paying respect for your roots, but taking it to the next level. My generation of Hip-Hop took our predecessors and mutilated what they did, but never bit. Run DMC called themselves the King of Rock not rap ROCK! Do you realize how audacious that was? Kurtis Blow was the King of Rap but Run DMC is in the Rock Hall of Fame. Get where I am going?How am I, supposed to respect these Millennials if you can't push Hip-Hop farther than we did in the 80s and 90s? You arent out-doing the 30-plus rapper crew and fail to stimulate minds like them. Lil Waynes druggie raps dont count.Now, I don't want to seem like I am too high on my horse. When De La Soul, Jungle Brothers and A Tribe Called Quest were all out and poppin to the fullest degree, I saw a similar deal. The difference was, people's style was very sewed together by a common thread, but they weren't all seen rocking the same "baby blue scarf." Even the "follower," of those artists didn't copy "verbatim," because they celebrated true originality.To end this on a positive note, I'd like to say, "I don't hate you, young bucky beavers." I simply and only want the best out of you. That is to push this ever-growing ship called Hip-Hop forward into deeper waters. I want to be AMAZED by you! Hell, I want you to amaze yourself. But, right now neither is the case.Look at you all fighting and arguing about Hip-Hop. Is it dead? Is it alive? Is Wayne as good as Jay-Z? Is Lupe the best ever? Blah, Blah, Blah! In my era, it was simple and clear. The 80s we knew who the illest were! Pre-1996, we knew who the illest were! These days, we only know who arent the illest.Young person, young hipster I have two words for you: destroy me.Good Guy aka Every Man is a columnist on AllHipHop.com and his columns appear every Thursday or when he sends them over.