All right, before I jump into this topic, I want to first
thank those people who gave supportive comments regarding last months column [Straight Talk: Sex, Lies and Real Life].
And just in case youre wondering, I will keep you all informed of the outcome.
So far, so good.
Now on to the issue at hand, for the past month and a half
Ive been working my ass off. Having released a new book, I just came off a
multi-city tour where I was away every weekend.
And when I was home, I was busy reorganizing my entire house
after having major renovations done. I also had to research some programs to keep my
three-year-old occupied this summer. I wound up signing him up for pee-wee
baseball and Spanish workshop camp.Ive
been in meetings constantly regarding the play Im producing this July. And
then tax time crept up and I had to gather receipts, visit my accountant and
get that part of my business in order.
But on top of it all, I found out I was four weeks pregnant.
Ive been busy as all hell, working harder than I ever have - and it dawned on
me that I am a superwoman!
That moment of clarity inspired this column. I stopped for a
second to think about all the hard-working women out there who have obligations
at work, home, in the bedroom, kitchen, on the PTA, etc., etc. And I further
took into consideration those women doing it all without help. I want to take
this time to commend you. Either way though, it gets stressful at times,
overwhelming trying to balance it all especially when it seems all your hard
work goes unnoticed.
I thought about how Im able to keep it together in life,
love, and motherhood and well, I figured Id share some tips with you. And men,
dont turn away, you could find some helpful information that applies to you as
well. After all, you are probably in a relationship with a superwoman and this
article may give you some insight as to what she goes through and how you may
be able to lighten her load.
First, I recognized that of all people including my son and
my husband, I come first. Its imperative that you make time for yourself and
take care of your needs before others. The thing is if you neglect yourself
then you wont be any good to anyone else. Its not an act of selfishness, but
an act of necessity. So when you make your to do list or your weekly schedule,
try to add in a spa day, or just some quiet time for you and you alone.
Second, I had to find a routine and stick to it. When you
have things pulling you in every direction, it helps to have specific times and
days that you allow yourself to be pulled by each demand--the key word here is allow.
You have the power to be where you want to be when you want to be there. Dont
give that power away. You make your schedule so that it works for you - even if
you have a 9-to-5, the hours before 9 and after 5 belong to you. Do with them
as you please. Dont let others make plans with your time.
If you allot Thursday evenings to the PTA and they have a
special meeting on a Sunday, dont feel obligated to attend. Likewise, if you
allot Saturdays to your family, and the boss asks you to come in on your day
off, tell him or her that you cant. Make your routine and stick to it. The
people around you will get used to it over time and expect from you only what
you give them, nothing more nothing less.
Third, dont be afraid to pat yourself on the back or ask
others to give you credit. I used to not say anything when I did things that
went unnoticed. Then I would blow up when I was asked to do more than my share
after having already done a lot. I realized its just better to let people know
what youve done or how hard youve worked right off the bat.
You cant expect people to know what youve done all day
unless they sat and watched you. Show them what youve done. That way they
wont criticize or start putting extras on your plate, but instead theyll
applaud you and let up. On another note, people may become inspired by your
drive and work ethic and they may reach out to help you to show that they too
have drive and good work ethic.
Finally, dont feel guilty when you cant give your child,
spouse or other important person your time when they ask for it. Just explain
to them why you cant and give them a rain check. I learned that making deals
is not only good in business, but it can make life at home a lot easier as
well. Ive made deals with my husband and my son so much that they are starting
to make deals with me now. But it works. It helps us all respect and value each
others time. It also creates a win/win situation.
So instead of arguing about your lack of time or just
telling your loved ones no, try offering them another time slot with bonuses.
For example, I work from home and my son is currently being home schooled, and
even though were both home, from 9:00 to 3:00 were each doing our own
thinghim downstairs learning and me on the second floor working.
Once his teacher leaves, he becomes bored and will come into
my office and ask me to play with him. However, Ill still be workingat least
for another hour or two. Ill have to
tell him not now. Hell pout and go to leave the office, but Ill call him
back. Ill tell him if he can sit and watch his cartoons or go in his room and
play alone for an hour then I will not only play with him when Im done, but I
will take him to the store to get a new toy or his favorite snack.
Hell start smiling all hard, kiss me and thank me and
happily go about his way. Ill go from feeling guilty to feeling like the best
mom in the world. And hell go from feeling sad and unimportant to feeling
excited and grateful. Its a win/win.
Ladies, this deal making also works on husbands and
boyfriends. If you are anything like me, you dont feel like having sex as much
as your man does. Sometimes you really are tired. Youve had a long day at
work, came home, cleaned up, cooked dinner, put a load of clothes in the
washer, and youre beat. You just want to lie down and watch some TV. But here
comes Mr. Happy and no matter how hard his day was, hes never too tired, it
seems, to get some.
Well, it doesnt have to be a situation where you two argue
about it and go to bed on bad terms. Or you dont have to give in and be
rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth during the act. Youll feel resentment,
and hell feel like its something wrong with him. And even if you dont end up
arguing about it, you two will go to bed on bad terms. So instead of creating a
miserable sex life with a man you obviously love and care about, try creating
First of all, make sure that you know what it is youre
feeling and deal with it accordingly. Are you tired or are you just not in the
mood? If its the latter, participate in foreplay. If he wants some, ask him to
help you get ready. Once you are aroused, you will want the same thing he does
and you two will be on the same page. If its the former, and you really dont
feel like it, start the negotiations. Offer to do a quickie and set a time to
Believe it or not, men can make themselves ejaculate faster
than they would if they didnt try. And sometimes thats all they really want
to do. Its not always about love making. So go ahead and give him three
minutes. The deal is his time is up in three, whether hes done or not. I bet
hell be done in three. Then hell be happy, and you can continue doing what
you were doing and all it cost you was three minutes.
Now, for those days that you cant even muster three
minutes, just give your man a rain check like I mentioned above. If he waits
until tomorrow he will not only get some, but hell get it his way. For that fantasy, hell wait.
The bottom line is balancing careers, relationships, and
parenting can be and most likely is challenging for all. But, when you
implement structure, dont take things too seriously and be fair, you can
overcome the difficulties and relieve the stress. You can begin to enjoy life
rather than just live it.
Chances are youll be a lot happier and lets be real, when
youre happy the people around you are happy. This combination makes for a more
functional family or relationship, rewarding lifestyle, and all around a better
Miasha is the author
of Dont Make Him Dinner, Make Him Rich! How to Be the Superwoman of Today, coming soon. She is also author of fiction bestsellers Diary of a Mistress, Mommys Angel, and Sistah for Sale, all available in bookstores and online nationwide. For more information or to hear Miasha address your comments, go to her website www.miasha.com and click on Miasha TV-Real