When Sports Clichés Go Hip-Hop

To this day, I am disappointed

in the fact that the 2008 NBA season is over. Congratulations to the newly

crowned champions, the Boston Celtics. However, there is one thing that I’m

glad I don’t have to hear for a while.

When a defensive team wins the

championship, you know what’s coming. A sports analyst will stand in front of

his/her teleprompter and drop this tired gem: “Defense wins championships!”

Really… stopping the other team

from scoring while scoring yourself can help you win a championship… super

genius. Every time I’ve heard “defense wins championships,” my face cringed, like

Tiger Woods after each swing during his U.S. Open victory. Sports clichés are

unrelenting - and they’re as empty as hearing “I love you” after the first date.

It’s not enough that you must

give 100% in what you do. There’s a whole other 10% out there to latch on it -

110% to be more specific. Here is a list of cliché’s that are sure to run you

up the wall:

We’re taking it one game at a

time.You can’t stop him, you can only

hope to contain him. (Kobe

was contained)Records are made to be broken.There’s no “I” in team.We played within our game.He has tremendous upside.They control their own destiny.And now, the real season begins. (Signaling the

beginning of the playoffs)

Today, we are celebrating

National Sports Cliché Week, and what would be a better way to celebrate than

to add a twist of urban culture to the fold? Just for fun, of course!

There’s a commercial for GEICO

that features celebrities “translating” the plight of normal people that

recently got into a car accident. So I got to thinking. What would happen if your

favorite rapper had the opportunity to translate a cliché-laced rant by a

professional commentator? Let’s find out.

NFL broadcaster John Madden, of Madden Football fame,

is commentating the second quarter of Sunday Night Football. When out of

nowhere, John makes a reference to his ‘Man Crush’ - retired NFL quarterback,

Brett Favre. And the crazy part would be that Brett’s not even playing in the

game. “Tony Romo and Peyton Manning are leaving it all on the field tonight!”

says an excited Madden. “People often compare Romo to Favre. But I know Brett

Favre. And Tony, you’re no Brett Favre.”

In the same scenario, Kanye West translates for John Madden:

“Tony Romo is nice, but he ain’t sh*t. Brett Favre is sorta’ cool, but he’s no

Brad Pitt. I need a Black Angelina (Jolie), Black Jessica Simpson - they weigh about a buck, so you can call’em

slim pickens…”

Chris Berman and Roger Maltby called the early rounds of

the 2008 U.S. Open, and obviously, they were complimenting the high skill level

of Tiger Woods.

Roger Maltby: He’s have never

finished out of the Top 10 here. Pretty remarkable at Torrey Pines.Chris Berman: He knows where the

bodies are buried, and he knows where the putts are buried.

Roger Maltby: He buried that one.

Nas translates for

them both: “Tiger is Ether at Torrey, my n****s. He took each putt and bodied

them. And I don’t care what he says. He can axe that Cau-bla-asian sh*t. Minus

the millions, ‘the slave and the master’ effect still… [Due to technical difficulties, the U.S. Open will be back after we

relieve ourselves of a certain announcer]

NBA analyst Bill Walton will go down in infamy for over exaggerating every

moment he covers. An arena employee walks buy with popcorn in tow and Bill

Walton blurts out, “I’ve never smelled a better batch of popcorn in the history

of the NBA! This young man is walking the stairway to heaven, delivering

delectable buttery treats to the world.”

In the same scenario, Young Jeezy translates for Bill Walton:

“Take a whiff of dat popcorn homey! Pimpin’ pushin’ dat white like a certified

pro. He puttin’ on for his city. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!”

Harry Kalas,

legendary announcer for the Philadelphia Phillies, is calling a game between

the Phillies and the Red Sox. David “Big Poppi” Ortiz is in the batters box

with his team down by one in the top of the 9th. “And here’s the

pitch,” says Harry in his signature tone. “The swing. It’s a high drive to left

field… its way back… and it’s OUTTA HERE! David Ortiz has just tied the game

with his 24th homerun of the season.”

T.I. translates

for Harry Kalas: “Here’s-da-pitch! Shawty connects with it. The ball’s touching

the left field sky… and it ain’t never coming back! David ‘Big thangs poppin’ Ortiz

just tied this game with a homerun that sits him on 24’s for the season. What

you know about dat? I know all about dat, shawty.”

Even a classic announcer like Marv Albert could use a shot of Lawry’s

in his repertoire. On a three-point play, which wasn’t in high abundance this

past season for the New York Knicks, Marv screamed his patented, “Yes, and it

counts! Lebron James just tore the house down and will go to the line to

complete the three-point play.”

Jay-Z translates

for Marv Albert: “And one. My ace that I write songs about is going to the line.

After the game, we’re headed over to 40/40 for business. The takeover, this

game’s over. You ready, Bee?”

None of the recording artists were harmed or interviewed

for this article.