Yo! Bishop Don Magic Juan! I’m Your Huckleberry!
In this hip-hop landscape, rappers beef on da regular! Who would’ve thunk that religious/spiritual men have beef? Well I have beef with Bishop Don “Magic” Juan! Its high-time somebody in the hip-hop world took this ninja to task—challenge his veracity—chin-check his acumen and I’m the Negro to do it! I give no fucks that you are/were a pimp or that you are/were Snoop Dogg’s “Spiritual Advisor.” Well meet gay hip-hop’s “Spiritual Advisor!” I’m about to run up in your (mental) ass without K-Y Jelly. (You can insert a “Pause” if you’d like.) In the words of Val Kilmer, “I’m your huckleberry!”(19th century slang for “I’m just the right person for the job and I'm just a little better than you!”)
So I wake up Sunday morning after an all-nighter of shaking my tail-feather and go on Instagram where Bishop Don Juan posts—some parrot-ass, regurgitation, Simple-Simon, nursery-rhyme, superficial religiosity concerning homosexuality; “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Really? It’s one thing when the laity (common-folk) spouts this, but a man of the cloth?
Bishop says on Instagram in ALL CAPS (as though he's screaming or making his statement truer), "YOU CAN LEAN TO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING GOD SAID ADAM AND EVE. NOT ADAM AND STEVE AND JUNE, IT WITH EVERY OTHER SIN YOU WITH BE JUDGED U HEA MEEE 333!"
What an ignorant fuck! What did he just write? He's quoting Proverbs 3:5 and the rest of this gibberish... it's "JOIN" motherf***er, not "JUNE!" It's "WILL BE JUDGED," not "WITH BE JUDGED!" See? This is the kind of ignoramus that stays preaching! His writing tells us that he's a "jack-leg" preacher (i.e. unlearned) God damn!
Bishop Don Juan is our modern-day apostle Paul (and I don’t f**k with Paul!). Like Paul, who was a raping, incarcerating, murdering, uncle-Tom, traitorous, Benedict Arnold-snitching, lackey, satrap, puppet-dog before his conversion to Jesus, so it is with Bishop Don Juan—a man who raped and murdered the young lives and innocence of countless young girls and women in the name of the pimp-game before he found Jesus. Now he has become the moral authority on gay marriage and proper sexual etiquette. I say, “F**k outta here!” up front. Now!
(Me and Bishop Don "Magic" Juan @ DC's strip club, Stadium Club. Yeah! I'm not just behind a computer screen! I'm really out cheah!)
Before I deconstruct Don Juan’s simplicity, I’d first like to know who ordained him a “Bishop?” I suspect he received his ordination from Flip Wilson’s, “The Church of What’s Happening Now.” What theological seminary did Don Juan attend or did he stumble upon a new hustle while “walking down the street eating a tuna fish sandwich” (A Richard Pryor joke). Or is his bishop status one of those mail-order credentials? But that’s neither here nor there.
This coon, like many of you, presupposes that marriage is about procreation—making babies. NOT! Marriage is about two consenting adults who fall in-love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Period. Point-blank! Marriage is a secular event, not a religious affair where your religious views should be interjected into law. You’re in the wrong country.
Not all married couples want children and believe it or not, not all married couples can have children! If having children were the litmus test, prerequisite or criterion for getting married—well—there would be far less marriages. Having children isn’t the be-all, end-all to fulfilling a marriage and let us not forget how many (straight) women have abortions or give their kids up for adoption! The anti-homosexual marriage movement is in no moral position to say anything about gays and lesbians marrying, considering marriage divorce rates are 60% and climbing. Straight people can fuck up the institution of marriage, but gay folk gotta stand down?
Indeed! “Man + woman=life,” but we’re living in the age of technology—test tube babies, In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), cloning and cryonics. Dare I say that the womb may one day become obsolete? How much longer will you use the “Adam & Steve” argument?
To Bishop Don Juan’s pseudo, preschool, religious post/argument. Let me elevate you son. As a “Bishop” I’m sure you’ve heard of a little religious device known as “exegete.” It means to bring out the original understanding of scripture or critical explanation of scripture. This is where you and many other homophobic fakin’-da-funk Christians get it twisted! The few scriptures that you think are about homosexual love are not about homosexual love at all! You are guilty of using “historical gymnastics” and super-imposing your 21st century understanding on a religious practice that was going on 3,000 years ago—Goddess worship, which used sex (in any form) as ritual and worship. You can’t judge that, neither can you flip the scriptures to fit your disdain for gay marriage! Don’t you find it strange that there is no scripture in the Old Testament condemning lesbianism—chicks bumpin’ uglies?
The Old Testament’s admonishment on homosexuality was never about sex! It was an admonishment on the trappings of Goddess worship and Sodomite worship—religions that had used sex from Time Immemorial to say “I love you” to the Gods. Similarly, the story of Sodom & Gomorrah was not about killing a city full of faggots, but rather the killing of an ungrateful and stingy people who violated the ancient unwritten law of HOSPITALITY, according to Ezekiel 16:48-50, which says, “Behold, this was the iniquity [sin] of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread and abundance of idleness… neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy, and they were haughty… therefore I took them away.”
As a follower of Christ, where does Jesus condemn homosexuality? He doesn’t! All you can do is ape, parrot and regurgitate the most simplistic of nursery rhymes to condemn gays. “God didn’t create Adam & Steve?” Oh yes He/She did! Shit sounds cool, but is devoid of any substantive historical and religious rigor. Bishop Don Juan is cooning to the religiously ig-nant coons. When are you gonna say something even remotely progressive?
Yo! Bishop Don Magic Juan! You can come on over and join me, President Obama, Jay Z, Rev. Al Sharpton and 50 Cent and support gay rights/marriage or you can continue being a tool-and-a-fool for your Euro-version of Christianity by using the same book that was the “moral pretext” for the enslavement of 100 million Africans (i.e. yo’ black ass!)—to condemn gays OR you can remain being the foot-shufflin’-jack-leg preachin’-yessah-massa-hallelujah-huckster-caricature of the 19th century Uncle-Tom and the laughingstock of Christendom. Get back to pimpin’ and keep this religious shit out of yo’ mouf if you ain’t trying to elevate “ya heah meee 333” (whatever the f**k that ‘pose to mean!) You're light-work Mr. Man! I dare you to bring me on your show so I can really teach you and your audience something? It ain't nothin' but a plane ride. Sincerely, Your Huckleberry.
Khalil Amani writes for Allhiphop.com, DJ Kay Slay’s Originators & Straight Stuntin Magazines. He’s been featured in L.A. Times, Spin Magazine, DaveyD.com, The Biography Channel. Author of six books, including the groundbreaking “Hip-Hop Homophobes…” (iuniverse.com ’07). Follow on IG @khalil_amani, Facebook, Twitter @khalilamani.