All right, before I jump into this topic, I want to first
thank those people who gave supportive comments regarding last month’s column [Straight Talk: Sex, Lies and Real Life].
And just in case you’re wondering, I will keep you all informed of the outcome.
So far, so good.
Now on to the issue at hand, for the past month and a half
I’ve been working my ass off. Having released a new book, I just came off a
multi-city tour where I was away every weekend.
And when I was home, I was busy reorganizing my entire house
after having major renovations done. I also had to research some programs to keep my
three-year-old occupied this summer. I wound up signing him up for pee-wee
baseball and Spanish workshop camp.I’ve
been in meetings constantly regarding the play I’m producing this July. And
then tax time crept up and I had to gather receipts, visit my accountant and
get that part of my business in order.
But on top of it all, I found out I was four weeks pregnant.
I’ve been busy as all hell, working harder than I ever have – and it dawned on
me that I am a superwoman!
That moment of clarity inspired this column. I stopped for a
second to think about all the hard-working women out there who have obligations
at work, home, in the bedroom, kitchen, on the PTA, etc., etc. And I further
took into consideration those women doing it all without help. I want to take
this time to commend you. Either way though, it gets stressful at times,
overwhelming trying to balance it all especially when it seems all your hard
work goes unnoticed.
I thought about how I’m able to keep it together in life,
love, and motherhood and well, I figured I’d share some tips with you. And men,
don’t turn away, you could find some helpful information that applies to you as
well. After all, you are probably in a relationship with a superwoman and this
article may give you some insight as to what she goes through and how you may
be able to lighten her load.
First, I recognized that of all people including my son and
my husband, I come first. It’s imperative that you make time for yourself and
take care of your needs before others. The thing is if you neglect yourself
then you won’t be any good to anyone else. It’s not an act of selfishness, but
an act of necessity. So when you make your to do list or your weekly schedule,
try to add in a spa day, or just some quiet time for you and you alone.
Second, I had to find a routine and stick to it. When you
have things pulling you in every direction, it helps to have specific times and
days that you allow yourself to be pulled by each demand–the key word here is ‘allow’.
You have the power to be where you want to be when you want to be there. Don’t
give that power away. You make your schedule so that it works for you – even if
you have a 9-to-5, the hours before 9 and after 5 belong to you. Do with them
as you please. Don’t let others make plans with your time.
If you allot Thursday evenings to the PTA and they have a
special meeting on a Sunday, don’t feel obligated to attend. Likewise, if you
allot Saturdays to your family, and the boss asks you to come in on your day
off, tell him or her that you can’t. Make your routine and stick to it. The
people around you will get used to it over time and expect from you only what
you give them, nothing more nothing less.
Third, don’t be afraid to pat yourself on the back or ask
others to give you credit. I used to not say anything when I did things that
went unnoticed. Then I would blow up when I was asked to do more than my share
after having already done a lot. I realized it’s just better to let people know
what you’ve done or how hard you’ve worked right off the bat.
You can’t expect people to know what you’ve done all day
unless they sat and watched you. Show them what you’ve done. That way they
won’t criticize or start putting extras on your plate, but instead they’ll
applaud you and let up. On another note, people may become inspired by your
drive and work ethic and they may reach out to help you to show that they too
have drive and good work ethic.
Finally, don’t feel guilty when you can’t give your child,
spouse or other important person your time when they ask for it. Just explain
to them why you can’t and give them a rain check. I learned that making deals
is not only good in business, but it can make life at home a lot easier as
well. I’ve made deals with my husband and my son so much that they are starting
to make deals with me now. But it works. It helps us all respect and value each
others time. It also creates a win/win situation.
So instead of arguing about your lack of time or just
telling your loved ones “no,” try offering them another time slot with bonuses.
For example, I work from home and my son is currently being home schooled, and
even though we’re both home, from 9:00 to 3:00 we’re each doing our own
thing—him downstairs learning and me on the second floor working.
Once his teacher leaves, he becomes bored and will come into
my office and ask me to play with him. However, I’ll still be working—at least
for another hour or two. I’ll have to
tell him “not now.” He’ll pout and go to leave the office, but I’ll call him
back. I’ll tell him if he can sit and watch his cartoons or go in his room and
play alone for an hour then I will not only play with him when I’m done, but I
will take him to the store to get a new toy or his favorite snack.
He’ll start smiling all hard, kiss me and thank me and
happily go about his way. I’ll go from feeling guilty to feeling like the best
mom in the world. And he’ll go from feeling sad and unimportant to feeling
excited and grateful. It’s a win/win.
Ladies, this deal making also works on husbands and
boyfriends. If you are anything like me, you don’t feel like having sex as much
as your man does. Sometimes you really are tired. You’ve had a long day at
work, came home, cleaned up, cooked dinner, put a load of clothes in the
washer, and you’re beat. You just want to lie down and watch some TV. But here
comes “Mr. Happy” and no matter how hard his day was, he’s never too tired, it
seems, to get some.
Well, it doesn’t have to be a situation where you two argue
about it and go to bed on bad terms. Or you don’t have to give in and be
rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth during the act. You’ll feel resentment,
and he’ll feel like it’s something wrong with him. And even if you don’t end up
arguing about it, you two will go to bed on bad terms. So instead of creating a
miserable sex life with a man you obviously love and care about, try creating
the win/win.
First of all, make sure that you know what it is you’re
feeling and deal with it accordingly. Are you tired or are you just not in the
mood? If it’s the latter, participate in foreplay. If he wants some, ask him to
help you get ready. Once you are aroused, you will want the same thing he does
and you two will be on the same page. If it’s the former, and you really don’t
feel like it, start the negotiations. Offer to do a “quickie” and set a time to
it.
Believe it or not, men can make themselves ejaculate faster
than they would if they didn’t try. And sometimes that’s all they really want
to do. It’s not always about love making. So go ahead and give him three
minutes. The deal is his time is up in three, whether he’s done or not. I bet
he’ll be done in three. Then he’ll be happy, and you can continue doing what
you were doing and all it cost you was three minutes.
Now, for those days that you can’t even muster three
minutes, just give your man a rain check like I mentioned above. If he waits
until tomorrow he will not only get some, but he’ll get it his way. For that fantasy, he’ll wait.
The bottom line is balancing careers, relationships, and
parenting can be and most likely is challenging for all. But, when you
implement structure, don’t take things too seriously and be fair, you can
overcome the difficulties and relieve the stress. You can begin to enjoy life
rather than just live it.
Chances are you’ll be a lot happier and let’s be real, when
you’re happy the people around you are happy. This combination makes for a more
functional family or relationship, rewarding lifestyle, and all around a better
you!
Miasha is the author
of Don’t Make Him Dinner, Make Him Rich! How to Be the Superwoman of Today,
coming soon. She is also author of fiction bestsellers Diary of a Mistress,
Mommy’s Angel, and Sistah for Sale,
all available in bookstores and online nationwide. For more information or to
hear Miasha address your comments, go to her website www.miasha.com and click on Miasha TV-Real
Talk.
