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Car Washing Men: Gonna Explain This Only Once!

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The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of AllHipHop.com

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A man washing his car on da regular. This seems to be a sore spot with some women! Wifey and I had a discussion about this subject a few weeks ago and lo and behold, this monster has reared its ugly head again when one of my Facebook friends (Shout-out to Felicia M. for the fodder!) took issue with us guys liking to wash our cars. She posted, “Men care wayyyyyy too much about the way their cars look! My son’s father… washes and waxes every Saturday! That car be so clean and shiny that you can see your face! My question is why men why??? …Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

This, from a species of humanoids (women) who go to grotesque measures in the name of “beauty” to look good! LOL. I mean, it ain’t like women don’t do stuff that we men find over-the-top (like butt-injections, collagen lips, breast implants, make-up, all day beauty shop rendezvous’, etc., etc.—but a simple man only wants the pleasure of washing his friggin’ car!)

So! I wrote this blog for you women—that you may once and for all stop asking why we men like to wash our cars regularly (and get an attitude if you ask us to wash yours!)

In the words of Kendrick Lamar, “Please don’t kill my vibe!”

Men wash their cars for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to the following: A clean whip is impressive to many females, especially when he pulls up to the club sittin’ on some “Trues & Vogues” or some 20 inch rims on Pirelli tires—or back-in-da-day—some Sprewells spinnin’. Yes! Chicks dig dudes in hot cars or, like 50 Cent once rapped, “I let my whip talk for me!” A hot chick will see a dude in a hot car and catch “da vapors!” (old-school rap lingo for rising up and paying attention) Panties get instantly wet! He’s pullin’ her based on that thang in the parking lot! A bad-ass car catches the eye of chicks and dudes alike, but it all starts with a clean ride. Yes! Men wash their cars for vanity-sake, but there’s a psychological component that women fail to see and men never articulate, so I’m-a give it to you straight-no-chaser!

You see! It really isn’t about washing the car per se. It’s deeper than that! As someone who used to wash his big-body Benz erry Friday, I am as guilty as they come. I loved washing my car! It was a cathartic, existential, ethereal, heavenly experience! Taking my car from dirty to clean by way of soapy water and hand drying is just part of the experience. Washing my car while my stereo blasts—shining those chrome rims—ArmourAlling those 20 inch tires—wiping down the interior and putting a fresh deodorizer on the rearview mirror—these acts are as sacred to the male species as women shopping at Victoria Secretions for slut drawhs ling-ga-ree! (lingerie)

(Even dented, thanks to a night of debaunchery and libations I’m still washing it!)

But again, it isn’t about the act of washing a car! How can I explain this to you women who claim to be a more introspective and deeper thinking species? When a man washes his car he is lording over the only thing that is truly his (if he’s married or shacking with a chick, for sure!). It is his one slice of peace and serenity! It is his man-cave on wheels! It is the one time of the week which his vanity is one display! He washes his car, not because it’s dirty—nay! He washes his car because the act of washing his car allows him to feel masculine, manly and alive! Cars have always been associated with manhood and masculinity and the way some women treat their men—whether they be husbands or boyfriends—a man washing his car allows him to rekindle and take back his manhood, which some of you women have raped him of all week long! (Yeah, this shit is deeper than washing an effin’ car!)

Washing his car allows him to download the bullshit of a stressful work week. Washing his car allows him to upload his mind with fanciful thoughts of how he’s gonna look pushin’ through the hood and the stares his whip will get. Washing his car allows him to escape his mundane existence. And lastly, washing his car may be the only time he can get some “me time” without a woman all up his ass!

No! He doesn’t wanna wash your car ladies (unless he’s schemin’ on some stank feeling altruistic!) because, verily (truly) I say unto you; if it was simply a matter of washing a car, he wouldn’t wash his own! Trust when I tell you this! When he washes your car, he experiences none of the aforementioned euphoria! He washes your car with the excitement of watching paint dry on a wall!

Even now, when a nigga like me, who rides a scooter—I still need that me-time to wipe my baby down after a long week of driving her. If anyone should understand men’s fixation with washing their cars, it should be women, because women are consumed with vanity. Now’s the time for women to be deep thinkers—when a man is washing his car!

I know your man has never broken it down like this, but I bet a pretty penny he will cosign err’thang I’ve written. So ladies, if you care anything about your man, let him have his moment! Go shopping or gossip on the phone. It’s only soap & water and an hour out of his life! Sheesh!

Khalil Amani is a blogger for AllHipHop. He also writes for DJ Kay Slay’s Originators Magazine & Straight Stuntin Magazine. Amani also writes for Hoodgrown, Maybach and Sext Magazines. He is the author of six books, including the ground-breaking book, “Hip-Hop Homophobes…” iuniverse.com 07). Amani is gay hip-hop’s self-proclaimed straight advocate. Visit The Coonerific One at http://www.khalilamani.ning.com Follow on Facebook/Twitter @khalilamani. Youtube @ yahweh 12 Khalilamani@yahoo.com

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  • MrsOno

    Out here in Los Angeles, men and women keep their cars washed. I personally go to the car wash once a week or every two weeks. If your car is dirty, you’re dirty!

    • What about your hammer or screw driver? ( Car = Tool )
      Folks got it all backwards, loving things they should be using and using people they should be loving.

      Dude on a bike gets into an accident & worries about saving the bike…..and helmet that’s strapped on the side of it!

      • GQ

        You’re suppose to take care of your shyt tho.

      • Yeah, oil changes, maitenance, etc.

        Nothing wrong with keeping it Dibby Dibby, but not everyone has OCD about the whip.

        It’s a tool, IMHO.

      • Celz

        Keep it clean but don’t go over board.. My boy has a complex his car is like a reflection of his self worth or some shyt.. So we was out on Hollywood Blvd. back when the Escalade trucks first came out. Homie had his on 24s, fully loaded, fresh wax, super clean. We pull two bad ones they were sisters one was like 21 other like 24… A few days later my boy called me and was like yo the older and badder chick said she really wanted to get at you. Moral of the story if you need a whip for self worth or to get girls step your game up!

      • LOL~N

        You pulled the badder chick with no whip & no effort!

        That’s how it be!

        I bet your boy was saltier than ButchCraig’s tears when Manny got KTFO!

      • Celz

        Real talk ol girl didn’t even care I was whippin a Honda at the time lol

      • They don’t, they are programmed to mate with the highest status, but most dominate male in the circle….that’s why ButchCraig gets no Pu$$!

      • ItGoesDownINtheDM

        motorcycles are the exception tho !! lol i done had chicks hop out of whips and ride out into the sunset with the boy … i had a benz and the best i got was waves from young girls and phone #s from baby moms trying to come up LOL !!!!! sn i dont buy material to pull chicks im just one of the few who work hard and can afford some ish and this is my experience riding around in luxury … with the benz tho you def get alot of looks and people always asking what year ya joint is … but it aint a panty dropper like the bike was …. this is without trying cause like i said i do this cause its stuff i wanted not to pull chicks … if i was purposely trying to get them maybe id have a slighty different story to tell lol .. but i seen dudes before pulling up in lexus and chicks keep walking been knew cars aint going to boost ya pu$$y rate … it may help tho but not boost it …. the bike will boost it LOL

      • Bike = Vibrator

        That’s why you can pull it over any where & poke!

        I had one chick I ain’t even know like that, jump in front of the bike to force me to stop…& let her fine @$$ ride!

        LOL~N

        I know that’s happened to you!

      • ItGoesDownINtheDM

        YESSIR !! im tellin you i had no idea LOL !! sadily i sold my bike in 2005 but i finally purchase my 1st home w/garge … in about a year or 2 i will be back on the 2 wheels !! lol …. lol @ it being a vibrator lol nvr looked @ it like that lol i can dig it !

      • I didn’t see it as a dildo either either, till my man’s ex needed a quick ride, jumped off telling how wet she was & how she wanted to ……well, you know….

        but we have a rule in the crew, no wifey’s or baby moms of any affiliated, regardless what the B’ishes say, but yeah. that brought the freak out in her, many red lights, many revs, etc….that’s when …..i met my wife, she locked me down, kids, etc., now I push the burb or mini van.

        ~ Shrugz like Kanye’

        *Not homey’s X

      • ItGoesDownINtheDM

        damn damn damn smh these GIRLS AINT LOYAL !! but real ish thats real friends i def would of passed up on that too …!! i just make it a point to stay away from any of my homeys girls current past and extra especially baby mommas … even if they talkin that GO AHEAD i dont like her no more ish … unless I REALLY like her as in i think i love her LOL … i aint touching that thing with a 10 foot pole …. lol

      • Yeah, that rule came about when we were getting short paperz, and that type ‘chet will ruin things.

        My manz BM’s was talking that “You a grown man” ‘chet, but nah…..still not hitting it!

        To many jawnts on the ‘Zack to fugg ‘chet up over 1.

      • Jovaughn

        I would have to say a sports car, convertibles especially are an exception to the rule as well. I have a drop top Z and the girls love it. Everywhere I go I have people start asking me about it about it,I get the waves, and all that. After I got a 2 seater with some real power and with nice looks. It is hard for me to go back to a sedan. It is not as prestigious as a porsche or high end luxury but it looks good and it is fast. That is what a lot females girls care about most anyway.

      • ItGoesDownINtheDM

        from my experience if you want a guaranteed piece of material to pull females … DONT BUY A CAR … DONT BUY A HOUSE …. BUY A MOTORCYCLE !!!!!!!!!!!! real talk the best year of my life so far is when i owned a motorcycle … i had no clue LOL !! i even seen some of the bummiest ugly fat greasy looking dudes pull off with some nice piece of puss and they had a bullsh*t bike LOL !!!!!!

      • dfwricwil

        Some people cars are cleaner than their house.

      • TheGreatGazoo2012

        Righteous. Spend all that time working on possessions which can be taken from you and none working on their soul which leaves a lot of people in an infantile state mentally unable to transcend

      • *That’s how I meant to say it!

    • dddd

      smh

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  • AlphaICaesar

    All that shit extra…if I drop five figures on anything, I’m taking care of it period. You can romanticize all this other shit, but its common sense.

  • GQ

    I feel you! I got two whips and they stay clean Just like my home.

  • Dante Rapper

    “gay hip-hop’s self-proclaimed straight advocate” wow, that’s a uniquely confusing job title.

  • dfwricwil

    Lol! Clean the whip!

  • Mec-One

    “schemin’ on some stank”

    Yooooooooo …… lol
    Broke dude frontin’ moment, if you get a dent in your Benz and it doesn’t go straight to the dealer for repair …. foh!

    • Booqueesha Johnson

      niggas find the smallest things to hate on! Did the WRITER say he was RICH? he just wrote that he rides a SCOOTER asswipe! …FOH!

      • Mec-One

        Not talkin’ ’bout the scooter ….. scooter! I’m talkin’ ’bout the posted pics …. foh!

    • Celz

      Ain’t no dealer servicin that old ass 90 somethin Benz.. Shyts worth less than a fuccin Kia lol.. Niccas be stuntin on broke hoes who don’t know they Bluebook numbers with they 15+ year old luxury cars..

      • ItGoesDownINtheDM

        mines was an 2006 … but to be honest with you ill buy used all day if its in good shape … you waisting your money buying a brand new luxury vehicle especially if $20k is alot of money to you ….. cause your guaranteed to lose @least that on buying a brand new luxury vehicle …

      • Phibes

        You bugging! I was just at the Merc dealer yesterday & they had a 78 SL coupe in there that was in excellent condition.It’s not about the year.Just cause it’s new doesn’t mean it’s hot.

      • Celz

        Big difference between a 78 and a 98. A 98 Benz is worth less than a newer Kia with higher maintenance and probably less features.

      • Phibes

        Drive that New Kia in Beverley Hills vs. that 78 Merc.They will laugh at the “New” Kia. But you would get compliments all day in that 78. It’s about how you maintain your car, to hell with the value. Unless it’s a classic car that’s never driven, it a liability, new or old. It’s losing value every single day. And if a woman is more concerned with what year my car is, she’s not a woman of substance. I have a 2006 S55 & a 2010 S63. I wish somebody would try & say something about them not being “New”. Lol

      • Celz

        Reading comprehension my friend certified pre-owned, classic, and old ass 90 something are technically all used cars but they mean very different things. I never referenced a 78 or an 06. I referenced the old ass 90 something benz in the photograph not a slightly used late model or well maintained classic.

      • Phibes

        My comprehension is fine my brother.You said “Ain’t no dealer servicin that old ass 90 somethin Benz.. Shyts worth less than a fuccin Kia lol.. Niccas be stuntin on broke hoes who don’t know they Bluebook numbers with they 15+ year old luxury cars..”.

        The reason the 78 was mentioned was to discredit your point about the dealer not servicing an older model. If they service a 78, they will service a 90 something.

        You said “niggas be stuntin on broke hoes who don’t know the bluebook numbers of there car.With they 15 + year old luxury cars.”

        Once again, the 78 doesn’t have the same blue book value of a New Kia,so yes they KIA is worth more. But the 78 has more prestige than anything KIA could ever hope for.

        The reason I mentioned these cars is since you mentioned the stuntin & blue book value, like that’s important to a real woman of class.

        I mentioned my 06 which is not a CPO because she is 8 & some would consider that old. The technology in my 06 they just got up on in 2014 at KIA. And some they will “Never ever have”.Lol

        Hey bro, we can agree to dis agree. Respect!

    • ItGoesDownINtheDM

      sn any car economical or luxury … key note … keep the dent or scratch dont get it fixed … why cause as soon as you do you will get another one … there is no sense in fixing dents cause cars were made to dent and scratch !! waist of money … unless its from an accident and you can get your insurance to pay for it or its a show car .. keep that $$$ in yo pocket !!

      • Mec-One

        Where you be at that your car stays getting scratched and dented?!

      • water_ur_seeds

        You wrote a good article, so this comment is disappointing to see! Keep the dent or scratch? Whats the point (if you got a nice car) in keeping it clean and being proud of it if you wanna keep dents and scratches on it? lol Fck that, Ive gotten a couple dents in my time, and I get them sorted ASAP… I agree with you about pointless buying new, I generally get ex demo’s…

  • brotha_man

    just hope brothers and sisters treat their kids better than their automobiles.

    • ItGoesDownINtheDM

      as long as the lady and the kids dont touch it after i wash it … all will be fine !!!!!!! LOL

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  • water_ur_seeds

    The pics aint loading…

    But yeah I used to wash my car every Friday, nothing like your car shinning brand new, feels like a whole new car, you forget how different it looks clean haha

    I dont have as much time to keep it as clean as i like these days! smh Im gonna have to clean it this weekend now haha

  • Guillaume Pilon

    Every man love a clean ride..if not iys cuz your using a bus card

  • Kap Diva

    Real ballers have someone else washing the cars for them. Reality talk!

    • KingsCountyCrooklyn

      so whose car did you wash today?

      • Dayum!

        That was :
        In Rick James’ voice : “Cold BlooOOdeeeeeDDDDDD!”

      • ItGoesDownINtheDM

        lol rite tho …. i dont know about him but i love washing my car … altho i did take my benzo to the detail shop more than i washed it myself … but aint nothing like washing yo own joint !! i agree 100% with this article … espeically if you got that car you always wanted (i no longer have it LOL) … if you aint driving something you want you may not be able to relate … or if you just not into cars period like that

  • keith peru

    “Washing his car allows him to upload his mind with fanciful thoughts of
    how he’s gonna look pushin’ through the hood and the stares his whip
    will get.” Damn, our goal is to be pushin through the hood? Damn we gotta grow up..

    • ItGoesDownINtheDM

      hood doesnt nessarily mean HOOD as in slums projects etc… just could be your local surroundings which actually could be the suburbs …

  • Hi,

    Everyone wants to ride clean car and for that they wash their car daily or weekly. In this post, we saw this spirit. We hate for that spirit.

  • Brindle

    lol… good article, I like washing mine cause its just me, my car and my dogs… TEMPORARY PEACE OF MIND