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Car Washing Men: Gonna Explain This Only Once!

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The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of AllHipHop.com

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A man washing his car on da regular. This seems to be a sore spot with some women! Wifey and I had a discussion about this subject a few weeks ago and lo and behold, this monster has reared its ugly head again when one of my Facebook friends (Shout-out to Felicia M. for the fodder!) took issue with us guys liking to wash our cars. She posted, “Men care wayyyyyy too much about the way their cars look! My son’s father… washes and waxes every Saturday! That car be so clean and shiny that you can see your face! My question is why men why??? …Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

This, from a species of humanoids (women) who go to grotesque measures in the name of “beauty” to look good! LOL. I mean, it ain’t like women don’t do stuff that we men find over-the-top (like butt-injections, collagen lips, breast implants, make-up, all day beauty shop rendezvous’, etc., etc.—but a simple man only wants the pleasure of washing his friggin’ car!)

So! I wrote this blog for you women—that you may once and for all stop asking why we men like to wash our cars regularly (and get an attitude if you ask us to wash yours!)

In the words of Kendrick Lamar, “Please don’t kill my vibe!”

Men wash their cars for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to the following: A clean whip is impressive to many females, especially when he pulls up to the club sittin’ on some “Trues & Vogues” or some 20 inch rims on Pirelli tires—or back-in-da-day—some Sprewells spinnin’. Yes! Chicks dig dudes in hot cars or, like 50 Cent once rapped, “I let my whip talk for me!” A hot chick will see a dude in a hot car and catch “da vapors!” (old-school rap lingo for rising up and paying attention) Panties get instantly wet! He’s pullin’ her based on that thang in the parking lot! A bad-ass car catches the eye of chicks and dudes alike, but it all starts with a clean ride. Yes! Men wash their cars for vanity-sake, but there’s a psychological component that women fail to see and men never articulate, so I’m-a give it to you straight-no-chaser!

You see! It really isn’t about washing the car per se. It’s deeper than that! As someone who used to wash his big-body Benz erry Friday, I am as guilty as they come. I loved washing my car! It was a cathartic, existential, ethereal, heavenly experience! Taking my car from dirty to clean by way of soapy water and hand drying is just part of the experience. Washing my car while my stereo blasts—shining those chrome rims—ArmourAlling those 20 inch tires—wiping down the interior and putting a fresh deodorizer on the rearview mirror—these acts are as sacred to the male species as women shopping at Victoria Secretions for slut drawhs ling-ga-ree! (lingerie)

(Even dented, thanks to a night of debaunchery and libations I’m still washing it!)

But again, it isn’t about the act of washing a car! How can I explain this to you women who claim to be a more introspective and deeper thinking species? When a man washes his car he is lording over the only thing that is truly his (if he’s married or shacking with a chick, for sure!). It is his one slice of peace and serenity! It is his man-cave on wheels! It is the one time of the week which his vanity is one display! He washes his car, not because it’s dirty—nay! He washes his car because the act of washing his car allows him to feel masculine, manly and alive! Cars have always been associated with manhood and masculinity and the way some women treat their men—whether they be husbands or boyfriends—a man washing his car allows him to rekindle and take back his manhood, which some of you women have raped him of all week long! (Yeah, this shit is deeper than washing an effin’ car!)

Washing his car allows him to download the bullshit of a stressful work week. Washing his car allows him to upload his mind with fanciful thoughts of how he’s gonna look pushin’ through the hood and the stares his whip will get. Washing his car allows him to escape his mundane existence. And lastly, washing his car may be the only time he can get some “me time” without a woman all up his ass!

No! He doesn’t wanna wash your car ladies (unless he’s schemin’ on some stank feeling altruistic!) because, verily (truly) I say unto you; if it was simply a matter of washing a car, he wouldn’t wash his own! Trust when I tell you this! When he washes your car, he experiences none of the aforementioned euphoria! He washes your car with the excitement of watching paint dry on a wall!

Even now, when a nigga like me, who rides a scooter—I still need that me-time to wipe my baby down after a long week of driving her. If anyone should understand men’s fixation with washing their cars, it should be women, because women are consumed with vanity. Now’s the time for women to be deep thinkers—when a man is washing his car!

I know your man has never broken it down like this, but I bet a pretty penny he will cosign err’thang I’ve written. So ladies, if you care anything about your man, let him have his moment! Go shopping or gossip on the phone. It’s only soap & water and an hour out of his life! Sheesh!

Khalil Amani is a blogger for AllHipHop. He also writes for DJ Kay Slay’s Originators Magazine & Straight Stuntin Magazine. Amani also writes for Hoodgrown, Maybach and Sext Magazines. He is the author of six books, including the ground-breaking book, “Hip-Hop Homophobes…” iuniverse.com 07). Amani is gay hip-hop’s self-proclaimed straight advocate. Visit The Coonerific One at http://www.khalilamani.ning.com Follow on Facebook/Twitter @khalilamani. Youtube @ yahweh 12 Khalilamani@yahoo.com

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