The MTV VMA’s: A Running Diary

Okay, so we’ve survived the new episode of The Hills and laughed our way through the red carpet ride. It’s time for the MTV VMA Awards. I have Entourage DVR’ed so I can be your official running diary throughout the Award show. Don’t feel like watching it? Just keep visiting here and drop some comments […]

Okay, so we’ve survived the new episode of The Hills and laughed our way through the red carpet ride. It’s time for the MTV VMA Awards. I have Entourage DVR’ed so I can be your official running diary throughout the Award show. Don’t feel like watching it? Just keep visiting here and drop some comments too. It’s a family affair!Let’s recap a few things about the opening act:-Sway following stars in a helicopter? Stalker! I demand more from you, Sway. -Katy Perry gets out of her limo with her “date” Miley Cyrus, but gets overshadowed by the T-Pain circus. He rode in on an elephant. I refuse to judge him, though.-Pink has white hair. Should we call her White now? About time someone pointed that out right?-Jordin Sparks can’t stop giggling, but we love her just the same.-Kid Rock will be performing with Lil Wayne and said he “sorta” made it to rehearsal. Oh good.-Kanye “I am never attending another VMA’s” West will be closing out the show.-America’s Best Dance Crew had KABA Modern dance to Ne-Yo’s “Closer” and they were all dressed like Justin Timberlake. The Fanny Pack dressed in bridal gear and danced to Danity Kane’s “Damaged.” The winner gets to perform at the VMA’s.8:55PM There’s a long line of limos being stalked by Sway. Looks like a traffic jam. This show is going to start late. I knew it. They kept pushing that “9PM sharp” business. Britney Spears is opening. I’m counting on you, Spears.9:00PM LOL what? Britney Spears and Jonah? Britney looks sober. See Amy, there’s hope for you. She better sing is all I’m saying. This skit is getting to me. Someone coke her up and put her back on the stage with a belly. 9:05PM Awwww I’m actually rooting for Brit Brit. Anyone who asks the Clutch to write her album is cool with me. They’re like taping her entire walk to the stage. She looks very together. I repeat – Amy, there is hope. She isn’t singing though. She’s introducing the 25th Anniversary of the VMA’s. 9:15PM Stick men holding light sabers while Rihanna is yelping with a super long weave. Strike that – a weave mullet. She got that right…Disturbia indeed.9:20PM Russell Brand gets the award for being the opposite of funny. Congratulations and accept your moonman. Jamie Foxx still thinks he’s Ray Charles with his stunna shades. Britney won Female Video and thanked her sons. I’m happy for her. 9:25PM Chris Brown gets the Male Video Award. Shocker.9:30PM The Jonas Brothers. Why why why, and why is Katy Perry singing “Like a Virgin”?9:40PM Katy Perry is back with “I Kissed a Girl” and R-Bra says something about cherry chapstick on his testicles. Nice. Michael Phelps loves Hip-Hop so he gets to be here. I bet he’ll be at every Hip-Hop Award show too.9:42PM I wish Lil Wayne would stop touching himself while he rhymes. Leona Lewis is starting to look like Alicia Keys-lite. It is all about the UK tonight geez. Oh thank goodness it’s annoying ass “A Milli.” As if this show couldn’t get any worse. T-Pain to follow. This is like slitting your wrists then swallowing glass.9:45PM I am not completely against this performance. However, I am against the standing ovation. Sit down people, it’s called Auto-Tune.9:50PM Ciara and Lindsay Lohan-Ronson announce that Fanny Pack won the dance battle. Where are the Jabbawockeez? The Pussycat Dolls win for “When I Grow Up” best dance video. They dance in that video? I thought they sat in a car the whole time. Ciara is singing their song to them as they hop on “stage.” Nicole Scherzinger is all, “I get to talk the most even though my solo album tanked.”9:55PM Danity Kane is counting votes for everyone but themselves on Sidekicks. My vote is for Jordin Sparks.10:00PM Who the hell are these people? I don’t mean Paramore, I meant that gang of kids who looked like a broke version of The Hills. I’ll call them The Valley. 10:05PM Paramore didn’t do too badly. Russell Brand noticed that Lil Wayne touched himself too much too.10:10PM Slash from Guns n Roses / Velvet Revolver and Shia LaBeouf? What? Best Rock Video is on now. Okay let me just say right now that Slipknot scares the sh*t out of me. I bet Fall Out Boy wins with “Beat It.” They should dedicate that to Lil Wayne, because that’s what he looked like he was doing during his performance. Wow Linkin Park won. The love of my life Mike Shinoda didn’t show up. That’s because he’s here at home with me. Miley Cyrus is singing Bon Jovi and playing Rock Band. I’m not laughing with her, I’m laughing at her. Here comes Pink outdoors.10:15PM Is it me or did Pink steal the set from Rent? She got it on clearance since it’s going off Broadway. This performance is pretty good. Pink always delivers…if this new album tanks, she’ll be delivering pizzas. Look at me, I’m Pink and I’m so badass that I make raspberries at the end of my song. Whoops wardrobe malfunction!10:20PM Stop talking Ashlee. Keep talking Pete. Here comes the best Hip-Hop Video, with Slipknot delivering it. Agh! Who is the masked guy? Is that McLovin? Why is Superbad all over this show? Oh right, because it’s Super…Bad.10:25PM Lil Wayne wins for “Lollipop” and looks like he lost his way to the stage. Jordin Sparks is discussing promise rings and s####. Yay T.I.!10:30PM Whoa cool T.I. performance, where he made it like filming a video. WHOA WHOA WHOA Rihanna and her mullet are RUINING “Live Ya Life.” She needs to be Auto-Tuned out. A moment of silence for the song “Live Ya Life.” Rihanna murdered it, and I don’t mean that in the “cool” sense. It died just now. Like dead. As in buried.10:35PM The cast of High School Musical is here to announce Christina Aguilera. She’s putting her career on a screen to remind everyone that she actually had one. Why does she look like Pamela Anderson-Lee? Xtina is a lil thick in the thighs *pause* Her voice is always good, even when it’s being played on a track that she’s lip synching. 10:40PM Russell Brand is apologizing for the promise rings remark and shouts out pissing on vs. pissing off teenagers. Hi R Kelly. It’s LC from The Hills. I’d like to say that I watch that show. I do not however watch whatever show this Chace person is on. Tokio Hotel won best new artist. The lead singer looks like Michael Jackson…and Cher.10:50PM LL and Travis Barker? Now that’s a good look with DJ AM. Goin’ back to Cali. Here comes Paris Hilton looking for her new BFF. Best Pop Video. I bet Britney gets it, since it’s her big revival show. Then again that Michael Jackson looking girl/guy might get it. Let’s see who wins…Britney got it. See!10:55PM Lupe Fiasco is dressed like a waiter and singing “Superstar” with Matthew Santos. Maybe he’s proving that waiters are superstars too. 11:00PM I have the biggest crush on Josh Peck. Since The Wackness. Quote me. He keeps losing like OD amounts of weight though. Kid Rock is performing that country Hip-Hop thing he’s been doing ever since Rap didn’t agree with him. Oh my. Lil Wayne is dressed like Will.I.Am. No wait, he’s dressed like Kid Rock back in the day. Oh I get it. I want to give Lil Wayne a hug. 11:10PM Kobe Bryant is doing the usual athlete talk where they use words like “stamina” to describe a song. Britney wins again with a 55% standing ovation. Everyone is like see you get Video of the Year, please don’t do any more drugs. 11:15PM Kanye is singing with a glowing heart. WTF is this? This song has to sound better on a studio track. I am so confused.In conclusion…did anyone catch Entourage?