It is I returning to spread love to the world. Did you miss me?
So I was at home watching Beyoncé videos with some friends. By friends, I mean me, my hand, and my Vaseline. As I watched, I began to think of all the douche bags and douche baguettes that made the news this year. And I realized 2008 has been more interesting the session notes taken during Mariah’s last visit with her shrink. I couldn’t help but think, Really 2008?
First up, I would be remiss if I did not mention R. Piss Kelly and his oft-delayed child molestation trial, which finally went off this year. This was a big year for him and an even bigger year for piss. But to be frankly honest, the person who had the biggest year was Sparkle! Prior to this trial, no one had heard from her in years, she had drifted into a pissy oblivion. Now due to her now infamous and whorish family member and one pissy thrust of R. Kellys penis on video she has been brought back into the spotlight. She should capitalize on this and release an album, a book, or at least a sex tape. Hey Spark Spark, dont let your niece upstage you! You are the real star! After all, R. Kelly shitted on you! Ok maybe not literally. But he essentially deaded your career. Wouldnt you have rather he just shat on you? Im just sayin
Next Up is Psycho Mimi and her two babies. This year Psycho Mimi finally found love and it was not from taking pills in her prescription bottle labeled love. It was with everyones favorite cornball, Nick Cannon. I must admit I only gave them a week tops! But it seems they have lasted longer than that and rumor has it she is expecting a child. Dont get me wrong I am over the moon with happiness for them. But hey Mimi, I need to make sure you understand something:
This child (if you are in fact pregnant) will come out of you, it will not be delivered by a stork, or a butterfly and you cant pick it up at the end of a rainbow. Secondly, you know how you like to wear those skimp tight outfits? Well Mimi, now that you are pregnant, this doesnt mean you should stop. In fact, take it to the next level! Wear tighter and shorter outfits, come out of the house in gynecological stirrups and nothing else! Go for it Mariah-be the trendsetter that you are! If there was anyone who can make the pregnant hooker look popular, its you! Remember Mimi, Im on your side!
Very few people had as horrible a year as did Janet and her hobbit, Jermaine. First off let me take a moment and mention the other Jermaine in your life, your brother. Is it just me or does he look greasier than Rick James Jheri curl in the 80s? What is he, a condom? He looks like he is about to be inserted into a vagina! Tell him to lay off the KY and use lotion on his face like regular people.
Anyways, I digress Ms. Jackson after several failed attempts at resurrecting your career including a wack album, a wack tour, and your own personal bottle of wack juice Jermaine Dupri, it now seems you have realized what many of us have known for sometime…your career is over.
Now I hear you are pregnant! Yay! Hey JJ, Ill make you a deal if you go raise kids and promise never to try to sing or perform again (other than the occasional titty reveal) I will forget the last couple of years in your career ever happened. To sweeten that deal, do me a favor and keep JD in your purse with your other sex toys. Thanks!
Now I will likely go to hell for this next one, but I hope that the dick I have given away to hundreds of needy women will count towards my entrance into heaven. Solange Knowles, 2008 was the year you chose to steal time from the world that we can never get back. Why is it that less talented siblings of superstars always feel like they too need to get in on the action! You and Tamar Braxton should really have a long talk. In fact you and she should start a loser siblings club. But work out your sibling rivalry issues on your own f**king time! Wasnt it enough that we had to see your cabbage patch mug in a movie (Johnson Family Vacation and some Bring It On revival)? Apparently not because this year you hit us full force with an album and all sorts of other f**kery! Please put your face away. We never want to see it again. Now those who know me know that I would never advocate any sort of violence towards anyone. But if you are going to a Solange concert you should go watch some YouTube videos. In a completely unrelated topic has anyone see the video of the guy throwing shoes at President Bush? Merry Christmas!
See ya in 2009!!!!!!!!!!