Hip-Hop Writes McDonald’s A Letter

Dear McDonald’s,

What it is, what it do and what is gon’ be? This is Hip-Hop. You know me. I just wanted to drop you a line real quick, because I saw that you dropped Twista from the “McDonald’s Live” tour. I have to admit that Twista can be a bit raw and aggressive, but that’s a very close friend of mine from years ago. He’s actually a really good guy that has several facets to his personality that comes out in his music. Its not all gangsta and he’s experienced more pop success than Sean Kingston. I would hate for this to turn into something messy like the Ludacris situation or the Cristal matter. You and I – we’re cool.

I say “we,” because we are like a celebrity couple that creeps around, avoiding limelight, but loving each other on the low. (Big pause if you are a dude, but I don’t know.)

Hip-Hop and McDonald’s have been joined at the “hip” for a long time now in varying degrees. We have been sneaking around for years and years and years and you know why. The world because infatuated with rap and guess who made you cool? We gave you that stoopid ill rap name “Mickey Deez (or Mickey D’s).” Yo, that was way back in like 1982, yo!

Admit it, you loved that name, didn’t you! Some uptight suburban dude couldn’t have coined such a name. What did you do? You gave Calvin a job way back in 1990. Calvin was a good kid and never fell prey to the streets. He was respected and loved in the Black community. Guess what, McDonald’s? Calvin is a huge Hip-Hop head, loves working at McDonald’s and even enjoys the clever, rapid-fire deliver of Twista.

Calvin was from the hood, just like our heroes Venus and Serena of Compton! You guys have used Venus and Serena Williams in your ad campaigns – Hip-Hoppers. Serena even loves to bust a rap here and there! Lil’ Bow Wow has reportedly opened a chain of McDonald’s! You’ve used Justin Timberlake with the “I’m lovin’ it” ad, but nobody follows him. He’s not a movement and he hasn’t been with you as long as I have.

Hip-Hop’s influence:

I’d hit it? That campaign was nothing but Hip-Hop vernacular even though the guy in the ad looks like that American Idol nerd Justin Guarini.

Remember the mid-2000’s when we were really getting cozy, McDonald’s? Don’t treat me like a jump-off. You know you wanted me to design your worker’s clothes and uniforms with my esteemed colleagues Sean John, Rocawear, Fubu or Phat Farm. Mickey D’s fitted cap, anybody? “It would be pretty cool if our employees liked their uniforms so much that they would also want to wear them while they were not working,” said McDonald’s spokesman Bill Whitman. Nuff said.

Real talk time, McDonald’s.

In 2005, you offered to pay rappers that used the word Big Mac in a song, a plug for that super duper burger. Now, this proposal could garner a clever rap MC $1 to $5 every time the track is played on commercial radio. Do you know they play the same songs seven times every hour? That’s better than the points on an album, if you have a hit record like T.I. or Jay-Z.

Here is a sample lyric that I never used:

“Yo, get back I got the Big Mac, /And don’t even mean McDonald’s/ The Big Mac I got will harm you/ when it kicks back.”

(My soldiers out there know what I’m talking about!)

I didn’t even spit that rap and neither did any of the revenue-generating rappers I know. We didn’t want to disrespect that mighty brand of yours that penetrates all the hoods across the world.

I feel like this is a break up, but I know better. You’ll be back. I’m still cool with Twista and he’s got a new album coming that excites me. He’s a little upset, but he’ll be OK. He’s got Hip-Hop on his side regardless.

I would like to prove how inseparable we are, Mickey Deez. I want you to look at how Hip-Hop penetrates deep into the fabric of America – from the ‘hood to the middle of the heartland. Clearly, we’re lovin’ it!

See the videos:

Can you tell me Hip-Hop doesn’t like Mc’Donald’s? This dude loves the smell of the cheese and has a French fries dookie rope! Classic!

This is an ambitious effort, but it just proves Hip-Hop even goes into the utopia of suburbia.

Even nerds rap:

See what we do to people? We make them go crazy for McNuggets! Rumor has it these guys are aspiring politicians. Imagine press when they run for office!

See, these dudes are just comics and its not right. Real Hip-Hop would never disrespect you like this. We want money. Come home, Mickey Deez, come home.

PS: I don’t know how you guys let Diddy go over to Burger King, but those ads are getting rave reviews! He’s no saint, as you know! Lets make it happen, because if you don’t love us somebody else will!Written by Illseed.  Illseed is an AllHipHop.com columnist and independent cultural critic, but AHH’s staff thinks he’s eaten one too many chicken McNuggets.