What Every Successful Person Needs To Know About Juicy J, And How You Too Can Stay Trippy For Life

 

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Steven Paul Jobs was able to revolutionize the world by insisting on a seamless, symbiotic relationship between art and technology. In order to invest in the philosophy, one must “think differently,” a slogan used to this day to market not only Apple products but the entire Apple philosophy. Influenced by the German Bauhaus school of thought in which artistic excellence is achieved through simplicity and understated design, Jobs (and the actual engineers who made the products) ushered in a wave of stylish products that were simple-looking yet entrancing; the iMac, the ipod, the iphone, etc.

For all of his neurotic brilliance, it’s no secret that Jobs was a prick, which is why even in his death he was directly responsible for one of the most momentous occasions in my personal life this past year. I love my iphone, but sometimes Jobs’ tiny invention does not mesh well with my large fingers. Long story short, while listening to Tegan and Sara on Spotify mobile, a blunder involving the phalanges almost resulted in me accidentally “sharing” the track on Facebook. Luckily I was able to prevent the upload from happening, but nonetheless, the incident had the potential to become a mega public relations massacre for #kellmill. Undoubtedly questions would arise in the ensuing press conference, such as why is a straight black man listening to Teagan and Sara in the first place? Even worse, why does he feel compelled to go so far as to share it publicly? Completely Bill-Clintoned, I’d have no choice but to admit that yes, for an extended period of time “Closer” was a personal favorite of mine. Later inquiries would reveal even further reason for embarrassment, such as the fact that I sang the song approximately one billion times in collective shower visits, and furthermore, there is actually an extensive collection of Tegan and Sara songs in my library. I was a fool, walking with the ghost of a guilty conscience. What would the Allhiphop.com shareholders think if this information went public?

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The fall into degeneracy is usually quick. Not long after I published “Wonderwall,” an article defending Miley Cyrus’ transition into hip-hop sensibilities, I knew dark sectors were on the horizon. Around that time I discovered a song entitled “23″ by MikeWillMadeIt featuring Miley, Wiz Khalifa, and Juicy J. At first I thought the song atrocious, a clear jokes-on-you! in the vein of Weird Al Yankovic. Not until I watched the video did I become a fan of the song, and this is not entirely because a fully-developed Miley is 99.9 % naked while twerking and wearing Air Jordan sneakers (if you’ve spent even a millisecond on my personal blog, you will understand immediately why I strongly support all of these things). In the video, the respective artists are completely serious and couldn’t give a flying 747 fuck about the public reaction. Like Steve Jobs founding Apple in his garage, this was a climatic intellectual awakening for me. Better yet, it was more like the apple that fell off a tree and hit Issac Newton in the head. Juicy J doesn’t care one iota about what people think of him, and for that, he is respected by everyone. It occurred to me in that moment that Juicy J would never fret about his music listening habits, or anything else for that matter. Suddenly, I understood the laws of motion, and more importantly, I understood that Juicy J had all the answers to the world’s problems.

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Immediately after this revelation I burned all of the literature on my bookshelf Fahrenheit 451 style. It was time to think differently. At first, the recognition that Juicy J held all the keys to life’s obstacles was frightening to say the least. It’s the same sensation you’d feel if while sober you spotted Yoda just chilling under a tree as you walked to your apartment. As shocking as this scenario would be, you wouldn’t run or scream. Instead, you would absorb as much knowledge as you could from the little green creature. By the way, if these sentiments cause you to rofl, it’s an indication that you are yet immersed in Trippy wisdom, a dangerous disposition to maintain. Do some soul searching and proceed.

We live in a truly great time, but unfortunately, most universities in the U.S. haven’t fully caught on to the societal innovations manifesting all around us. To most professors the answers to life’s greatest questions lie in the teachings of dead philosophers and writers. If you’ve never had the misfortune of having Nietzsche’sBirth of Tragedy slapped across your face with a 8-10 page essay to boot, count yourself one of the lucky ones. Why are we supposed to care or pretend to care about what Nietzsche had to say? For all of his brilliance, Nietzsche spent his last days screaming gibberish at horses in the street. If Juicy J ever succumbed to such madness, he’d probably make it look cool as hell. I suggest the next time you see someone at Starbucks reading a book by Nietzsche, slap the Vanilla Chai Latte out of their hand, politely tell them to slob on your knob, and slide them a copy of Juicy J’s album, Stay Trippy. Trust me, you will doing them a tremendous service.

“She wanna be my main chick, I was thinking different
Clap that ass, light a blunt, baby, let’s get ig’nant”

Juicy J ain’t Denzel, but he knows he’s a star. That’s straight from the horses mouth (no Nietzsche). Juicy’s resolute belief in himself gives him the freedom to present an uncensored version of himself to the world without even the faintest sense of worry as to how it will come across to others. Let me give you a quick example. Egg-nog is an acquired taste, but ratchet pussy is universally frowned upon by males and females alike. In fact, gynecologists make quite the living preventing ratchetness in the vagina. But Juicy J is unapologetic in his inability to deny ratchet pussy. In fact, he’s proud. My initial thought when I first heard the line in question was, “how ratchet can a pussy be before Juicy J says no to it?” But this is the wrong line of thinking, and has contributed to the stagnation of intellectual progress for centuries. Juicy states his passion with such an authoritative tone that suffice it to say, there is no pussy too ratchet for Juicy J, and he doesn’t care what you think about that.

Not only is Juicy a trailblazer in “thinking differently,” he is also prolific with words. Ernest Hemingway made a name not only with his novels, but his “ice berg” theory of writing; a belief that all writing should only contain the essential syntax ingredients and be cut rid of the superfluous. On “Bandz A Make Her Dance,” quite possibly Juicy’s magnum opus, we hear “strippers!” before any instrumentals. Genius. Not only is the theme established on sight, but any person not appreciative of strippers is able to cut their listening session short. “Bounce It” is a dazzling display of ingenuity conveyed in layman’s, Hemingway-esque terms.

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There is no doubt in Juicy’s mind that bandz will make her dance, and this is evident by his authoritative delivery. On Young Jeezy’s “Show Out,” Juicy J reminds us that he has been gettin’ rich since the 90′s, and needless to say, he obviously has had much experience with the power of bandz. Like Yoda, we with good reason intuitively understand that Juicy has lived for many years, and has the wisdom to back up his claims. Like all great teachers Juicy speaks in a universal language. Whenever you see the title for a Juicy J song like “Tongue Ring,” “Sippin On Some Syzzurp,” “Ridin’ Spinners,” or “Azz and Titiez,” you are never confused by the thematic content. I’ve read an entire book about Kid A, and I still don’t quite understand what it means. But “Azz and Titiez” is a song instantly comprehensible. Yes Radiohead make great music, but so what? I don’t want to feel like an idioteque, missing out on some brilliant comment on world affairs just because I’m too dumb to grasp Thom Yorke’s supposed brilliance. Juicy J speaks a language mostly of endurance. The predominant themes of his teachings revolve around staying fly and staying trippy. On the surface, such advice seems trivial, but in all actuality these are critical pathways for success. Whether you want to become a doctor, lawyer, the next Steve Jobs or Issac Newton or Teagan and Sara-related public relations agent, perseverance is what you will need to accomplish your career goals. Working your way up to the big-faced hundreds is advice valuable not only to strippers, but to you as well. This is what staying trippy is all about. Believing in yourself and in your vision. Your particular vision might involve bending it over and poking it like wet paint. Nevertheless, staying power is what you need.

Greatness is inherent in every person. I present this article not only as fundamental reading material in the trippy cannon of literature, but also as a guide for life. For the waning months in 2014, you may have a list of resolutions you hope to see accomplished. My advice to you would be to put the highest priority on staying trippy. If you stay trippy, laws of motion will energize your life, and the things you wish to achieve will fall into place like the apple on Newton’s head. Eating healthier, exercising more, spending less time watching Vines…staying trippy will give you endurance and a clear mind to overcome the hurdles before you in order to truly tap into your own greatness.

May you stay trippy for life.

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